Does anybody read these?

Thank God It's Almost Friday

This has been an absolutely shitty day. I think I am going to go up to my room, say my prayers and go to bed. It didn't start out too badly, but it went South very quickly. I just don't have the energy and I am all out of tears. Really it wasn't the bad things that happened today; they just hit me today. I was talking to a friend earlier, and I told her I think I am just past my limit on all the shit that's happening.

I think that both my parents and I have hit our boiling points as far as me living here, and I am ready to leave. I had thought about staying here until mid-March to save money, and I just don't see that happening. We are not getting along and I just can't take it anymore. And frankly if my brother is going to be here next week I'd rather not be in the same house as him. I am not sure if I will ever get past what he has done to me and everyone else the more that I think about it. I have to go up there next week and pack and move out of an apartment with no electricity because his roommate's dad stole the money for their electric bill (or is an accomplice of yet another one of my brother's lies). I had planned to pay the bill since I'm going to get stuck with it anyhow, but I'm not going to have that money before I get up there Monday so I don't really see the point except that I don't think I can even explain how amazingly shitty it will be to pack up what's left of my apartment with no electricity. I guess I'll just be like the Amish and get up at the crack of dawn and work until darkness falls. I've paid his way so many times in the past year, and it's going to take me ages to get out of hock with this mess. All because I tried to help my brother. Why did I do it, you ask? Because no one else would. It's going to be a long time before I help anyone else.

The fact that I am rapidly running out of money is an issue all its own. Apparently in Ohio they sit on your unemployment for four weeks before they pay you. I am on the tail end of my third week and starting to panic a little. In Michigan you filed on Monday and had a check the following Wednesday. It must be worse for people who lose their jobs with a little less notice than I had. I still have a little bit saved up, but it is just one more thing to pile on.

I have been 100% OK with losing my job and looking forward to the opportunity of moving and starting over. For some reason today I just feel like shit and I don't want to do anything. I surely don't want to be here, but I think it's completely impractical to be here. To be honest, today I wish I weren't here at all. I know life is precious and a gift and a blessing and yada yada yada, but today I don't care. Because if it weren't here I wouldn't owe people a fortune because I got screwed by helping my brother. I wouldn't be haunted by making the mistake of being friends with a bunch of whack-jobs who can't get a freaking grip. I wouldn't have to listen to my daily self-esteem boost from my parents telling me that I'm worthless and I fuck everything up. I wouldn't have to worry about moving and the fact that I don't even know how I'm going to get electricity because my brother didn't pay a light bill that was in my name. My life is a big, giant mess and somedays I don't see how to get out of it.

I'm just venting. This is therapeutic. Don't panic. I am sure it doesn't help that I have no health insurance and I think that my seasonal affective disorder has flared up. That always helps with the desperate feelings.

And please, if you have a few prayers to spare for me, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

posted by Laura at 10:45 PM