Hermit crab?
I have decided to take a break for a while. I would really like to just become a hermit and not interact with anyone, but I don't think my friends will go for that. And I am truly blessed to have some wonderful friends.
But, as for dating, I am done with that. You all know I wasn't looking for Chris when I found him, and I just don't have the energy to subject myself to the rejection anymore. This whole crazy journey started last year when someone sent me vacation photos that had a lady's handbag on the bed in his room. And since
that boyfriend
wasn't a crossdresser, I figured that the reason he was so hush-hush about going on vacation was because he went with another woman. Especially because he went to the Islands, and I may not know much in life, but I know plenty about St. John, St. Thomas and the BVIs.
So, I was pretty downtrodden because I realized I was just his plan B, and I set out on a journey to become someone's plan A. Unfortunately, that hasn't gone very well. I was obviously not Chris' plan A, because the minute Lisa came back in the picture he left me faster than you could say "reconciliation agreement." Not to mention that he's become mean and nasty and has treated me like shit so that he could feel better about his decision. Oh well, I guess I just didn't see what kind of person he was, but now I do. I hope that when the po-po haul him in, they put him UNDER the jail. But I still pray for him everyday, because everyone deserves to have love in their lives, and maybe someday he will have it again.
Let's see...what happened next? I had a torrid, four-day affair with a college student who dumped me because his dad said I was too old. That's OK, that wasn't ever going to be anything more than it was -- a random hook-up -- and frankly, he filled a specific need at a specific time in my life, as I'm beginning to suspect everyone does.
I went on a few more dates, kissed a few more toads (proverbily). There was needy guy who finally stopped calling because I wouldn't make a commitment to him before I'd ever even met him. Seriously, if you're that lonely go to the Humane Society and get a dog. Then there was the health nut (who didn't look like a health nut in the pictures he'd sent), whose eyes actually got sad when he saw me for the first time. But, among all the toads, there was one person who had shown some promise.
He was funny, clever and I enjoyed spending time with him. We spent an entire Sunday curled up on the couch watching football, which was so much more fun than spending Sunday hanging out at the trailer court, trying to score some herbal refreshment. He was on the right side of the law, which was quite refreshing (see last sentence). And, once we were done watching football, I sent him home to go to Church instead of dragging him up to my bedroom.
Because I really liked him, and didn't want to screw it up, so I sent him home. The way I looked at it, he was worth letting the wall down for so I figured we'd have plenty of nights cuddled up in my room.
Or so I thought. Now I am back to sleeping in the middle of the bed. But, you know what? I kind of like it.
I need to work on me for a while. I need to just be by myself and listen to the silence. I have a book to write. I have a bedroom closet to clean and laundry to do. I have a whole bunch of people coming to my house for Christmas. Lots to do.
I don't know if the wall will ever come down. I am content by myself. Every time I try to date, I remember why I hate dating in the first place. It took me 32 years to get to the point where I realized that I am a great person and have a lot to offer, and it's a person's loss if they don't realize that. But dating just pings at your self-esteem. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes me feel like a fuck up, even though I know I'm not. It's not that I need to get my value from other people,
it's just that other people are so fucking cruel sometimes.
Maybe I should just get a dog...
Song of the day: "Are The Good Times Really Over?" by Merle Haggard
Ramblin' fever
I really haven't had much to say, but I feel like I should check in.
Thanksgiving was good. I cooked a lot of delicious food. Everything was perfect. My friend Thomas helped me with the cooking and cleaning, and everything went really well. I think it helped me to stay busy too.
Despite the bumps and bruises of the last few months, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I have a good job. I have great friends. A wonderful family, including a new nephew. Life is not bad.
I have toyed with the idea of brushing up on my Spanish and moving to South Florida when the economy picks back up. I think it would be better down there. I'd be closer to my family there, I have friends there, and I'd be near the ocean. I could use an ocean right now. All I know is that I watch CSI: Miami, and I wish I were there. (OK, maybe not covered in blood or interacting with David Caruso, but going to the beach and just staring at the ocean and not being cold. That'd be nice.)
That's a long-term idea. We'll see what happens. It just seems like now that I don't have any ties to Nashville like I did a few months ago, I am getting the wanderlust again. I really like South Florida. I especially like the Keys, but I could never get a job that would allow me to afford living there. Mostly because I just want to sit there and write like Hemingway. (Well, not really like Hemingway, but you know what I meant.)
I need to focus on being a "real" writer again. I am not sure how I will do that, considering that I can't even keep my blog up to date. I have a lot of great ideas; I just don't know how to get them out on paper. I want to inform and entertain people. I want to make people laugh. I just don't know how to make that happen.
As I was typing this, I looked over my shoulder and saw my "Writer's Block" on my desk. I think that everyday I will take a few minutes to write something, even if it is using a trigger from that book. I am starting to feel stale again, and that's the last thing that I want.
Although, someone once told me that I am only amusing when I am making fun of people, and that it can be really hateful. I am not a hateful person. Nine times out of ten, I pick on people because I care about them. And honestly, I just think it's better to laugh even when things are shitty. Just like I laughed about me spending my whole day in the kitchen preparing a delicious meal when I'm sure someone else ate hamburger helper off a dirty plate. In some ways, it's funny, but it's not really funny ha-ha; it's more funny in a sad way. As one of my friends said "Who would choose Betty Crackwhore, when he could have Betty Crocker?"
I don't know. I just know that I am not a loser in any way. I haven't lost here. I miss having a family, especially when I got sick a few days ago and I was really worried what would happen to me (my doctor thinks it's going to be fine, so I'm not worrying anymore), but I do deserve better. Not because he didn't go to college or because his clothes are always dirty or he drives old, beat-up cars, but because he totally took advantage of the situation and broke my heart when he didn't have to. I was content with being his friend, but he let me believe that we would live happily ever after, when really all he wanted was for Lisa to come back.
Well, you know what they say about karma, and it's going to catch up with you, if it hasn't already.
Life Goes On
So, I am learning that life goes on.
I didn't cry at all yesterday.
I had a good date on Saturday, but since he found my Facebook I won't tell you anything I haven't told him here. He's funny. He has a job. We get along. He's cute. Did I mention that he makes me laugh and has a job?
And the best part: He's from New York, and he hates the Yankees too. I can like someone who likes a National League team, right?
I don't know where it goes from here. I'm guessing we'll hang out again. We both seem agreeable to that. I just want a friend and we'll see where it goes from there. I am not sure I believe in "happily ever after" right now anyhow.
From what I hear on the street, Shelby's custody hearing is tomorrow and Chris has lost his new job already. Just pray for both of them. And pray that God will turn Lisa's heart if he can't turn Chris' head. As one of my friends said over the weekend, I know God has a plan; I just can't for the life of me figure out what it is.
I just want them to be OK. I will always have a special place in my heart for them, but my love just wasn't enough. I just don't want them to get hurt anymore, but I'm not the one who can stop it.
I received a lot of replies to my ad, and I met several nice people. Some of them are people I'm interested in getting to know better and others were people who just needed someone to fill the void. I'm not going to be someone to fill the void anymore... But unfortunately, "someone" had my ad removed from the Web site. It's OK, but I just don't get why I'm not allowed to move on when someone else has not only moved on but doesn't waste an opportunity to rub it in my face.
I hate to break it to "someone," but I die all alone and get eaten by a pack of dogs before anyone found me, and I'd still be better off than you are.
You made your bed. And I don't have to lie in it anymore.
Song of the day:
"Consider Me Gone" by Reba.
So?
Well, the romance with the college student was short-lived. It turns out that when you are 21 and your dad makes fun of you for dating an "old lady," you are influenced by that and call the whole thing off. I forgot those days...
So, I decided to put an ad on the Internet like Dr. Joan encouraged me as part of my therapy. If nothing else, I got some pretty funny replies.
But I did meet a guy who seems nice, and I officially have a date on Saturday night. We'll see. No one has given me butterflies like I had when I first started talking to Chris.
Today's song of the day:
"Learning to Live Again" by Garth Brooks. I've been so busy being crazy that I don't think I mentioned how excited I am to be seeing Garth again (whenever that will be), but I am. Yay!
I am woman, hear me roar.
So, this is the story about how Laura became the mayor of Cougartown.
(Stop laughing. I'm not joking. You'll see. Keep reading.)
Saturday started out as a very bad day. I arrived at Toys R Us for the Halloween party, and I realized that I am not really equipped to have Halloween without having my little girl around. I thought about texting her father, aka The Douchebag, to tell him to bring her, but that meant I would have to interact with him and The Skank, and I really didn't have the energy for that. But I'm sure she got the best costume you could buy on half-off day at the Goodwill.
I did call Karen to tell her to bring the girls. She told me that Chris isn't mad at me and that having children's services called on them scared the fear of God into him. He's got a job (a good job) and he is really trying to do a good job with Shelby. He still doesn't see Lisa as the problem, but maybe someday he will, especially if he is sober.
She told me what I already knew: that Chris and Lisa were going to try to work things out for six months and then either get divorced or stay together.
So I said: "I can wait six months."
And that is when Karen told me to find someone else and move on. I told her that I didn't want to, I didn't know how and I just wasn't going to do it. I seriously felt the most hurt and the darkest that I had since all this happened. I had always believed Chris would be back until that moment, and I'm not going to lie to all of you: Thinking he was coming back is pretty much the only reason I got out of bed in the morning.
Since we're telling the truth here, I'll tell you what happened next.
I sent one of my friends a text and told her that I had to go and I was just going to go home and down what was left of my Xanax with a bottle of wine and go to sleep. I told her to have my mom use some of my insurance money to set up a college fund for Shelby, and I told her to contact Chris and to make sure he knew and that I never stopped loving him and Shelby and I just couldn't live without them. I didn't know how else to stop hurting.
And I was serious. Dead serious.
I know it's selfish. I know it's a bad thing, but I honestly didn't know how I could live, how I could go through one more holiday without my best friend and the little girl who had become my life over the past year. My family.
So, I counted the minutes until it was time to leave Toys R Us. And my friends Ashley and Robert asked me to come trick or treating with them and their kids and then we were going to have a grown-up Halloween party. I tried to bail because I was in such a bad mood, but as they have during this whole fiasco, Ashley and Robert convinced me to take a pill, suck it up and come to the party.
And I did. And I wore my pirate costume because I paid $60 for it, and I didn't want to send it back. No point in lying now. I looked hot in it. Everyone thought so.
Unfortunately, my camera batteries were shit, so there is no photographic proof, but
this is what my costume looked like, only I have huge boobs. Like I said, it was a hit. I had one man put trick-or-treat candy in my cleavage and everyone told me how great I looked.
But the best part was that Ashley's cousin started asking about me the minute he got there. And he's not bad to look at, if I must say so myself. Right away, he changed his plans and decided to trick or treat with us. Then he decided to invite himself to Ashley's party. Oh, and he was going to ride in my car with me and I could just give him a ride home.
Umm. OK.
So, on the way back to town, Robert starts in about how Chris is crazy and I am a good cook and pretty and Chris is just crazy. He's telling this guy what a good cook I am and how nice I am and just about anything positive that he could say about me. I don't really think he needed much convincing.
Anyhow, we went back to the house, and you know me, I am in the kitchen whipping up appetizers and drinks for everyone. My world-famous margaritas and just about anything you can put rum in, not to mention my nacho dip lasted about four minutes. As usual, everyone was raving about my culinary skills.
And ranting about what a retard Chris was for leaving me.
So, we have a cute boy putting the moves on me and a whole bunch of people who think that leaving me would be the dumbest thing in the world.
My self-esteem was off the chart.
So, every good pirate needs a good fruity rum drink (or six), so I enjoyed my new favorite thing: coconut rum and cranberry juice (thanks, Mistee) while I talked to this boy on the couch.
The next thing I knew, he was kissing me, and everyone was cheering.
So much class, so little time.
Finally, I asked him what he did for a living and he tells me (are you ready?): "I am taking a break from Austin Peay (a nearby university) while I save up some money because I had too many student loans."
Oh. My. God. He's a child. Oh. My. God. I was just joking about becoming a cougar to get over Chris.
Well, it turns out he is 21, which is good, because I had just let him do body shots. (You saw the costume, it just begged for it.) But I am still 33. But apparently, when you are 33, you are "with it," unlike immature, fake college girls. Who knew? I think the boobies probably help.
And this is why everyone is roaring at me now. Everytime people see me, they roar. Well, it wasn't just the making out and body shots, but this is a family blog. Let's just say, you pretty much know you are going to have an opportunity arise when you aren't seeing the point in paying $30 for your NuvaRing and just leave it at Target. Oops.
Oh, did I mention that I am pretty sure all of our friends broke their fingers texting Chris about me hooking up with a college kid? That felt kind of good too. At least I am not with a chick who looks like a dude and smells. (Not like I would be with a chick anyhow. My whole point is that I think I am much better off than my former better half.)
I think it is all because Crystal gave me a "lucky" buckeye at work on Friday. Although I am told they do not work on Michigan fans.
Song of the day:
"Best Days of Your Life" by Kellie Pickler
Silence
I haven't been writing, because I didn't know who was reading this.
Now I don't care, because if the people I think are reading it ARE reading it, there is something they need to see.
I got your message about forgetting you ever existed. Don't worry, I was already working on it.
I am not the person ruining your life. You're doing that all on your own. Oh, I think you have some help from "The Bitch" (remember "The Bitch"? That's what you used to call your wife before you started drinking her Kool-aid) who's lying in the bed next to you.
I have never hurt anyone. I wouldn't even know how. She, on the other hand, has proven time and time again that she cannot be trusted and that she would do anything to hurt you. Yet you continue to be a pawn in her games.
And, that is not my problem. I tried to save you, but only you can save yourself.
When all of this started, I told you I wasn't going to interfere with your family, and I have not. I have not. You are the one who decided to make poor choices, not I. You are the one who has gone back to hell. It's not my fault you are living with the devil and you are going to have to pay for it.
I haven't called Children's Services. I haven't hacked into your e-mail. I haven't sent you messages begging you to come back. You know full well I don't operate that way. Maybe you just want to believe that I still want you back.
But at this point, I do believe that you've broken my cardinal rule. I always told you that as long as you were honest with me, we would have no problems.
But you weren't honest. You told me you were doing what was best for Shelby, and you know you are not.
You told me you would tell me when things were over with me, and instead you moved in with another woman. I don't care if she's your wife. Frankly, SHE doesn't care if she is your wife.
I don't know what happened to the man I loved, but whoever you are now, well, you need to take your own advice and forget I existed. There won't be any gravy train to come ride on when Lisa leaves you this time. And believe me, it is coming. Or more likely, you'll have to leave her to get your daughter back. But all you ever wanted was to do what was right for Shelby, right?
Stop doing drugs. Get a job. Get some self-respect and realize you're worth more than Lisa gives you credit for. You are a good man. I have seen it. And I pray to God everyday that person comes back, for your sake and for Shelby's. For your whole family's sake, because, once again, everyone has been torn apart by Lisa's hurt and hatefulness.
Sometimes I think you get off on having Lisa treat you like shit, but let's not talk about all that here. That's neither here nor there, but we both know that I wasn't what you wanted in that department. In some ways, I'm probably too nice.
I am done. I am not in 7th grade, and I don't have the energy to play Lisa's games. I am not going to fight for someone who wouldn't fight for me.
I will love you until the day I die. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Unfortunately, you've also become my worse fucking nightmare. But I will always love you. I will always love you and Shelby with all my heart. I will pray for you everyday and I will wonder how you are, but the dreams of us living happily ever after are long gone. You shattered them when you shattered my heart.
Someday you'll realize who the "good guy" and the "bad guy" were here. Let's be honest. You already know.
Hanging in there
It's been over a month. There's not much hope left in these parts. I have heard so many rumors, but the only person who needs to be talking to me isn't. That says more than anyone else could say, really.
I tried really hard. I did the best I could. If that's not enough, then piss on him.
I just hope that Shelby doesn't get taken away. She's dirty. She's sad. They are not exactly behaving in a manner that would win them any parenting awards.
It's really unfortunate because "I'm trying to do what's right for Shelby" was his bullshit excuse for doing this at all.
I really honestly think that he thinks that when things don't work out with her -- and they won't -- that he can just stroll back into my life life nothing happened.
That's hilarious.
I am spending a fortune I don't have to see a great shrink. I take four different medications each day just to function without having a meltdown. I'm sad, lonely and angry.
But I'm standing my ground and not talking to him, because I don't want things to end any worse than they already have.
Because really all I want to tell him is to go fuck himself. But that's just because I'm pissed off today.
Last night all I wanted to tell him was that I was sorry I took his side of the bed.
It doesn't matter anymore. I am trying to move on with my life. I don't know that there's enough super glue in the world to ever repair my heart, but I am going to try. Actually, probably not. I think it is closed until further notice.
But that's OK. I needed a break too, and I like sleeping in on Saturdays and hogging the covers and pillows.
I miss him, and I still love him more than anything. I probably always will. I don't know what I'd do if he came back, but I'm betting I shouldn't worry too much about that.
I hope he has a good life. I hope that my nine months with Shelby instilled some good values in her to balance out the toxic environment she's in now.
Oh well. Sometimes things don't work out. I guess it's better that I know now.
It still hurts. It hurts more than I ever imagined.
