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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

It's not all about you.

I'm pretty sure that I told you that I cared very much about a person who chose to delete me from her life. No real explanation, no attempt to mend fences: Just proclaiming our friendship "awkward," telling me that there was no point in trying to fix things and deleting me from her life, including social media.

As much as it pained me, at that point I just went along with my life without her. If she doesn't think our friendship is worth saving there isn't much I can do about it.

And life has moved on without her. And that's fine. Each day is a little better than the last one. But, a lot has happened in my life that she's not privy to. Of course, that's her choice. It isn't one I would make, but nothing's accomplished by sitting around and hoping that she'll come to her senses, because I just don't see that happening. There were times that I thought about apologizing and seeing if I could patch things up, but I did nothing wrong and patches usually only last so long.

So, even though it really sucks some days, I don't pick up the phone and call her when I have a shitty day like I used to. I think about what happened at Disney World, and how for a long time, she's the only person who knew besides my family who was with me. But, when everything in the world was going horribly wrong, she's the person I wanted with me. Her smile kept me from losing my shit. Her voice was the one that I wanted to hear.

I would have loved for her to have been there for me when we buried a young man who was like a brother to me. I would have loved to have been able to call her when I watched my parents break down because a boy they thought of like a son had taken his own life.

But she wasn't there, and that was her choice. Not having me in her life has been her choice. I never did anything to her but care for her and love her, for better or for worse.

When Robin Williams killed himself a few weeks ago, my heart was still stinging from my personal loss. Having someone leave my world by suicide rocked me to the core. It is really the absolute worse thing that can happen to a family and/or friends. It is unexpected and devastating, and it leaves you wondering, wishing what you could've done to stop it, even if the answer probably is absolutely nothing.

So, Robin Williams passed away, and I was still reeling in my own grief and pain. And, on a mutual friend's Facebook page, I summed up my feelings about Robin the same way I summed up my feelings about my friend:

"So sad. What a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Well, apparently someone felt like that was a jab at her. You know, because she did actually utilize a permanent solution for a temporary problem and all. Of course, that also depends how you define permanent. I am surprised that I figured out that's what my perceived grievance because the only reason that me not being in her life would be permanent is if she remains to prideful to do anything about it. So, she blocked me from Facebook, which I wouldn't have even noticed if a mutual friend hadn't tagged her in something. Because I hadn't actually looked at her Facebook since she deleted me as her friend. I can take a hint.

But it wasn't about her. Not at all. And I am kind of pissed that she thought that.

I'm not pissed that she blocked me. I'm pissed that she thought I was taking a jab at her so she blocked me. First of all, I'd have to give her a thought to take a jab at her. And secondly, she doesn't know what's going on in my life because she removed herself from it. She wasn't there for me when my friend killed himself. She wasn't there to comfort me when I was hurting.

It doesn't matter. I'm not sad that she blocked me. I am sure it will upset her way more than it upsets me. In fact, I just hope that some day she finds peace and happiness and love in her life because she deserves all of those things, whether she believes it or not.

Song of the day: "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon (and I still need to know who this song is about)

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