Does anybody read these?

How far is too far?

I have this friend who lives in Alabama. Actually, I guess I should say I used to have this friend in Alabama. Because I still consider her a friend and would drop everything if she needed me, but I think she's pretty much done with me. And it's the break-up of that friendship, along with some things I heard today that inspired this post.

You see, I am no longer friends with that woman because of an argument that we had over another friend. I know that sounds really dumb, but stick with me, OK?

I had been friends with this woman for several years and through me she met my college roommate. They hit it off and became good friends. I love my former roommate. She and I are still very good friends. But a few years ago, she got involved with a married man. Of course, like every married person who has an affair, he and his wife were having difficulty and "practically divorced" and blah, blah, blah. I have no tolerance for infidelity. And it killed me that one of my best friends thought so little of herself that she'd get involved in that situation. So, I mentioned that to our mutual friend who now lives in Alabama. They were living near each other at the time and I wanted to see if she was as worried about the situation as I was. She said she was and that we should say something to her. So, I thought that's what we were doing the next time we all met up. Well, instead she took her side and seemed to support that behavior. I got upset by that because I felt like she was paying everyone lip service and/or selling me up the river. She apparently took that very badly because she hasn't talked to me since then. I went to Alabama a few months ago and emailed her with plenty of advance notice hoping that she'd meet up with me. I never heard back. The irony is that the friend who was having the affair is STILL one of my best friends. That relationship ran its course and last I heard she was very happy in a serious relationship. I've never mentioned it again to her, so I don't know how she ended up feeling about it. I just couldn't talk to her about behavior I didn't approve of, because I felt like by not calling her out when we discussed it that I was passively supporting it. And adultery is not something I support.

That is why I'm really ashamed of myself right now. And why I am even more certain that I am in a better place right now than I was last summer. I've been thinking about this because of something Father said tonight in our class. We were going over our baptismal vows as the folks in our class get ready to be baptized in a few months. And we were talking about sin and temptation. Father said that as humans we want to see the good in everything. So when we are in a situation, we want it to be good, whether it is or not. That is why temptation seems appealing, because we can see the good in it.

And then a light bulb went on. You see, I am ashamed because of a situation that happened last year. Or at least I think it happened. The verdict is still out on the actual details. But regardless, a friend of mine told me all about this affair she was having, and I supported her. She had a husband and two little girls and I listened while she told me about this other man and supported her in her decisions. Yes, she said she was unhappy, her husband didn't love her, staying together for kids, financial reasons, etc. You know, the same excuses that my friend's boyfriend gave her so she would sleep with him. The same excuses I normally think are bullshit and just an excuse to have an affair. And whether this affair happened or not, I supported her. Why the double standard? Because I wanted to see the good in the situation.

You see, everything she told me about her relationship seemed true. She and her husband didn't seem to get along (although he does seem to be a very nice guy). And she lit up when she told me about this other guy. She seemed happier. But you know what, that didn't make it right. Marital vows mean something. If you're that unhappy, get divorced. And allegedly she got some bad advice from a divorce attorney, which was the only reason that she was still married. But that doesn't explain why she sought out a relationship with another man while she had a husband at home.

Maybe I got caught up in the excitement of it all, because we had our exciting moments. Or maybe because of who she said it was. Or maybe a little because I'm not 100-percent sure I believed her, so I didn't see the harm in it. But it WAS harmful. Maybe it was more harmful if it was made-up than if it were true. Regardless, this person had little regard for her marital vows and I supported her behavior. And I barely knew her at the time. My best friend didn't actually break her marital vows, she just got involved with someone who would've broken his regardless, I'm sure. That doesn't make it much better, but I am so upset with myself for this double standard. When did my morals get off track that I thought this was OK? I am not friends with this woman now, but it wasn't because of this. Of course, if that's how someone treats their family, I guess then friends are expendable too.

So, all of this reminded me of the post I was going to do last week, but never got around to it. I also changed my mind a little because of last Sunday's readings at Church.

In 1 Corinthians 6:13-20, Paul writes:

Brothers and sisters:
The body is not for immorality, but for the Lord,
and the Lord is for the body;
God raised the Lord and will also raise us by his power.

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?
But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one Spirit with him.
Avoid immorality.
Every other sin a person commits is outside the body,
but the immoral person sins against his own body.
Do you not know that your body
is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you,
whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?
For you have been purchased at a price.
Therefore glorify God in your body.

It is really easy to be morally responsible when you are single. It is easy to say that there are certain things you won't do because you are a Christian. But once you're dating someone, the game changes a little. When there is no opportunity to do "bad stuff," then it's easy to say that you're going to wait, whether it's for an extended period of time or -- best case scenario -- until you get married. But then you realize that you're almost 30 years old and that men expect women to do things, especially when they've been around the block a few times. I heard a rumor many years ago that Jennifer Aniston made Brad Pitt wait for her, and he did. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that I am not sure I could pull that off. I am no Jennifer Aniston.

So, I go back and forth between moments where I have the urge to do things the right way and others where I think that if two people love each other that's all that matters. And, I guess that's better than some random hook-up, although I'm still pretty sure that it's not the right decision. But I am an adult. And I know I could deal with any adult decisions that happened to be consequences of my actions. I guess that helps, even if it doesn't make it right.

I just don't want to do anything to screw this up. And I know that no matter how much I try to talk myself into one camp or the other, things will be dramatically different during those moments when I'm actually in the situation.

I think I'm going to go back to being a pathetic spinster now, please.

posted by Laura at 7:05 PM