Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Broken hearts

Just when I think my heart might be healing, I end up feeling like it's black again.

First of all, Boston. I can't even imagine what folks there are going through. My heart is just broken at the thought of such a senseless tragedy.

My mom asked me if I was still going to do my race at Disney in October (my family is going to cheer me on. Yay!). Of course I am. First of all, when we stop our lives and the things we'd planned to do because of something like this, then terrorists win. Secondly, Disney World is a pretty safe place. And, lastly, I'm one of those folks that believes your ticket is up when it's up and there's not much you can do about it.

So, my heart breaks for Boston. I had an actual physical reaction to hearing that news. I was nauseous and filled with pain in my soul.

And then, also last night, I decided to break my resolve on not Googling someone to see how he was doing, especially since I've realized that it was my little broken-hearted temper tantrum that is probably why I don't know how he's doing. And I found out his dad died. And I remembered how torn up he was over his mom's death and how I felt about him, and I wished I could be there, even if it was just to text him and say "I heard about your dad. I'm sorry." But then I realized that even if he did want to hear from me, I have no right to contact him. I think -- no, I know -- that is the worst part. That here is this person that I would have done anything for and now I can't do anything. Part of that is my fault for napalming what little bridge was left, but mostly it's not my fault because I was put in a circumstance I had no control over. Even though I have my own opinions on the situation and I know what I would do if I were on the other side of it, I don't feel right saying anything. It just can't always be my place.

It's amazing that someone who wasn't really in my life that long has wreaked such havoc on it. I think it was because it was such an intense relationship, and we hit it off instantly. Believe it or not, it took me a while to fall, but once I did I was a goner.

Somedays I wonder if I'll ever have that again. Not as much because I can't get over it (because aside from this blip, I'm almost there), but because I highly doubt that I will ever trust anyone again. That's the part of my heart that's really broken. The part that trusts people to love you and not hurt you and do the right thing. So many people poke at that part and little pieces of it die everyday.  Maybe that's the state of the world these days.

I'm also haunted by the fact that they say everyone comes into your life for a reason -- even those who aren't there very long -- and I'm still not 100% sure what his reason was. I'm pretty positive that having him in my life didn't make me a better person. I guess time will tell, but patience is hard when you've already given something too much time.

Maybe the next distraction will blow in soon enough. I feel like I deserve it.

And, if other folks are still using the Google, I'm sorry. There's more I could say, but "I'm sorry" pretty much sums it up.

0 comment(s):

Post a comment

<< Home