Does anybody read these?

Forgiveness and the Final Word...

I always talk about how when I go to church it is always exactly what I need at the time. And today was no exception. After some comments that were left here yesterday, I got to thinking. What if I was wrong about this whole situation? Honestly, it doesn't really matter. I am not begging people who were awful to me to be my friends again even if they aren't lying. I've moved on; I hope they've moved on. It's done. It still breaks my heart a little, but it's done. And maybe they are living the high life with some country music superstar. I seriously doubt it, but maybe. What does it matter to me? It doesn't. I am not friends with folks because of what they can give me. I am friends with people because I love them and they are nice to me. Honesty is a big plus. So, when that ceases to be the case, what choice do I have but to close that chapter in my life?

But regardless of whether or not folks were telling the truth, I was kind of mean. I acted out of anger and frustration. That wasn't fair. I shouldn't poke fun at other people, regardless of what they may or may not have done to deserve it. And for that I'm sorry. Actually in regards to that whole situation, I have a laundry list of things for which I'm sorry.

I've been consumed by a lot of worry, frustration, guilt, sadness, anger and countless other feelings. I've run the gamut. I've also let other people's attitudes affect me profoundly and at times control me. I don't like that. So, it has to be done. This has to be the final word. No more snarkiness on this topic; but don't panic, I will still drool over KC and make fun of Keith Urban. I'm just not going to dignify all this bullshit with any of my energies. Life's too precious to be hung up over this. Nothing's ever going to change. No resolution will ever happen. Things aren't going to go my way; things aren't going to go their way. It is done.

I went to church today and prayed. I prayed that God forgive me for being mean about this whole situation. Folks don't need my sarcasm and anger; they need my prayers. And even though they still insist they did nothing wrong, I forgave them today. And I hope that maybe someday they'll forgive me. But that's all I can do.

This was the Gospel for today:
Mark 2: 1-12 (New American Bible)

1

When Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days, it became known that he was at home.

2

Many gathered together so that there was no longer room for them, not even around the door, and he preached the word to them.

3

They came bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men.

4

Unable to get near Jesus because of the crowd, they opened up the roof above him. After they had broken through, they let down the mat on which the paralytic was lying.

5

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Child, your sins are forgiven."

6

Now some of the scribes were sitting there asking themselves,

7

"Why does this man speak that way? He is blaspheming. Who but God alone can forgive sins?"

8

Jesus immediately knew in his mind what they were thinking to themselves, so he said, "Why are you thinking such things in your hearts?

9

Which is easier, to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, pick up your mat and walk'?

10

But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth"--

11

he said to the paralytic, "I say to you, rise, pick up your mat, and go home."

12

He rose, picked up his mat at once, and went away in the sight of everyone. They were all astounded and glorified God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this."

I always took this passage to be literal. But today I realized that perhaps the paralytic wasn't paralyzed by an illness or accident. Maybe it was his fear. Maybe it was his guilt. Maybe it was his sin. Maybe something was holding him back. Maybe something was preventing him from being the best person (Christian) he could be. However, Jesus saw that he had the faith he needed to be healed.

"Child, your sins are forgiven. Pick up your mat, and go home."

That's what God said to me today. I am getting a chance to stop being stuck worrying about this whole mess. Nothing's going to change, except that I can fully move on with my life. I can get back on track with my walk with Christ. Nothing is paralyzing me now. I have to have faith that I am doing OK and God will take care of me.

It's done. I'll still say a prayer once in a while, because a little prayer never hurt anyone. But I can't worry about whether or not I did the right thing. I am doing the best thing I can do right now. And honestly, looking back myself and talking to my friends who've watched me over the past months, even though this has taken up precious time it shouldn't have, it did help me to grow and find out who Laura was and what she wanted out of life and relationships. And for that I'm thankful.

So, if you've been lurking waiting for the bomb to drop, you've gotten a reprieve. God bless you all.

posted by Laura at 9:47 PM