Does anybody read these?

This post sucks. Really bad.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle, I just wish God didn't trust me so much." - Mother Teresa

Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was talking to Julie about everything with the little baby, Raylinn. (I was totally butchering the spelling before.) Julie told me that God doesn't give any of us more than we can handle. I know that she is right, but I kind of feel like Mother Teresa. And I know that God must have great plans for Raylinn if He needed her in Heaven instead of here on earth. I just wish that all of that made it easier. Right now, it doesn't seem to.

I told you that when Raylinn took a turn for the worst last week, the doctor said that there was a 100% chance that she had brain damage. Her little body just started to shut down, and her organs were failing one by one. Yesterday Rusty told my dad her kidneys had shut down and she couldn't go to the bathroom and they knew she was feeling pain. They had detected problems with her liver. If Raylinn had made it, her life was going to be a very difficult one.

This morning the doctors told Rusty and Heidi that Raylinn wasn't going to get any better. She was in pain and there was little hope. And they had to make the hardest decision that they'll probably ever make in their lives. All the machines were stopped and the baby went to Heaven.

I know she's better off. I know that she has no pain now. I know that in Heaven she's a perfect little girl with no brain damage or failing organs. And that should make it easier. But I've never experienced a little, tiny, innocent baby dying, and this is very hard for me to wrap my feeble brain around. I know that it was selfish to want her to live the way she was. But I guess I just wanted God to fix her. Regardless, I hurt right now. I mostly ache for these two wonderful people who had to let their baby go.

I can't explain the sadness I feel. I'm just empty and numb. I'm thinking I'll run out of tears soon. Or at least I hope so, because this sucks.

Thank you for those who prayed. I prayed for God's will to be done and for Him to fill her with his healing power. I know that sometimes people are so sick that death is a blessing. That should comfort us. I ask that you continue to pray. Partly because while Reeston is bigger and stronger and he seems to be doing very well, he's still a very weak and fragile baby. Also, pray for Heidi and Rusty and the rest of our family, because this is so hard. We need all the prayers we can get. Today in Sunday School, we made prayer boxes. If I haven't told you all yet, my family was one of the founding families of our parish, and we still make up a good chunk of the church. So several of my little cousins are in my class. We all put Raylinn and Reeston in our prayer boxes. (We found out that she passed away after Sunday School.) We're all just torn up, even though deep down we know God is taking care of her.

I'll apologize in advance, because I know this post makes me sound like a blabbering idiot. But like I said yesterday, this is really just my online diary. And if I still had a paper diary, I'd be writing the same thing. Actually, I'd probably be using a lot more cusswords. Or maybe not, I'm not angry about this. I'm just incredibly sad.

posted by Laura at 6:20 PM