Does anybody read these?

Conflict

I know that some of you will not believe this, but I am really not a big fan of confrontation. That's really the biggest reason that I don't answer the phone when asshole calls. Not because he's a dick and he doesn't deserve to talk to me, but because when I talk to him I want to tell him that and it would cause a confrontation, and I really don't like confrontations.

Confrontations with strangers are no problem. Sometimes I'm a little too eager to jump someone's case when I feel wronged (like when that girl at Kroger wouldn't take my check a couple of weeks ago.) But confrontations with friends -- even when I've pretty much put the friendship on a shelf and walked away -- are just something I don't like to do.

A few years ago (in some ways it seems like yesterday), I had a bit of a blow-out with one of my friends. In turn, I had a blow-out with my whole group of friends, as they basically sided with the other person. Honestly, I hadn't intended to create a scene at all. I had just spent the weekend with this group and was basically ignored all weekend, so I felt the urge to ask what I'd done to them to cause this. And, in the end, I hadn't really done anything, but that wasn't the point. Lies flew and tempers flared, and I just walked away. It's not worth it to me. If a friend really wants to look at you and say those things, there's no point.

It's funny. In typing that, I realized that I'm getting perspective on an issue that I'm having in my life right now. Recently, a friend looked me right in the eye and lied to me. It wasn't the first time that she'd lied to me. Of course, she doesn't know that I know this, because I wouldn't dare say a word. But the more that I think about it, the more that I want to say something. Yet, at the same time, I'd be content to just avoid the whole situation. Regardless, it'll cause big issues and I'm not sure what to do.

I feel the same way regarding my home life these days, if you want to call it that. I know that I should be able to say something, but I also know that it will go horribly wrong if I do. In some ways, even though I pay the same rent as everyone else, I just don't feel like it's my place. And honestly, nothing's going to change or it would've changed by now. It's completely ridiculous, but I feel like it'd be easier to move -- even if I don't give 30-days notice -- rather than just say what's bothering me.

I wish that I could be better at confronting people. I wish I could say what was on my mind and tell people that they are hurting me, but in so many ways I just don't stand up for myself, especially not when my friends are concerned. I don't know why I put them first, probably because I'm a good friend, but I know I don't deserve to sit in a room and be completely ignored all for the sake of friendship. I know that I don't deserve to have to stay holed up in my room for days on end because I'm afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.

I just don't know how to change...

posted by Laura at 11:13 AM