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Monday, November 05, 2007


I know that some of you will not believe this, but I am really not a big fan of confrontation. That's really the biggest reason that I don't answer the phone when asshole calls. Not because he's a dick and he doesn't deserve to talk to me, but because when I talk to him I want to tell him that and it would cause a confrontation, and I really don't like confrontations.

Confrontations with strangers are no problem. Sometimes I'm a little too eager to jump someone's case when I feel wronged (like when that girl at Kroger wouldn't take my check a couple of weeks ago.) But confrontations with friends -- even when I've pretty much put the friendship on a shelf and walked away -- are just something I don't like to do.

A few years ago (in some ways it seems like yesterday), I had a bit of a blow-out with one of my friends. In turn, I had a blow-out with my whole group of friends, as they basically sided with the other person. Honestly, I hadn't intended to create a scene at all. I had just spent the weekend with this group and was basically ignored all weekend, so I felt the urge to ask what I'd done to them to cause this. And, in the end, I hadn't really done anything, but that wasn't the point. Lies flew and tempers flared, and I just walked away. It's not worth it to me. If a friend really wants to look at you and say those things, there's no point.

It's funny. In typing that, I realized that I'm getting perspective on an issue that I'm having in my life right now. Recently, a friend looked me right in the eye and lied to me. It wasn't the first time that she'd lied to me. Of course, she doesn't know that I know this, because I wouldn't dare say a word. But the more that I think about it, the more that I want to say something. Yet, at the same time, I'd be content to just avoid the whole situation. Regardless, it'll cause big issues and I'm not sure what to do.

I feel the same way regarding my home life these days, if you want to call it that. I know that I should be able to say something, but I also know that it will go horribly wrong if I do. In some ways, even though I pay the same rent as everyone else, I just don't feel like it's my place. And honestly, nothing's going to change or it would've changed by now. It's completely ridiculous, but I feel like it'd be easier to move -- even if I don't give 30-days notice -- rather than just say what's bothering me.

I wish that I could be better at confronting people. I wish I could say what was on my mind and tell people that they are hurting me, but in so many ways I just don't stand up for myself, especially not when my friends are concerned. I don't know why I put them first, probably because I'm a good friend, but I know I don't deserve to sit in a room and be completely ignored all for the sake of friendship. I know that I don't deserve to have to stay holed up in my room for days on end because I'm afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.

I just don't know how to change...

2 comment(s):

two things come to mind:
1. true honest to goodness friends will let you say what's on your mind becasue they care enough about you to want to know when you feel badly and then they want to try to make it good so you dont feel badly.

2. the t-rex from toy story:
"I hate confrontations!!" that's my line. I love it. I use it often. Watch the movie LOL it's worth it.

ok, so I guess I was just in the mood to say what was on my mind about what was on yours. :-)


By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11/06/2007 2:16 PM  

We would still love you no matter what. Regardless of everything you should just remember how great you really are and maybe just saying what you want would make you feel all that much better. I don't like confrontations either but sometimes you just gotta. I don't care what people think of me but I don't like to fight with people either.

By Blogger rosalie, at 11/11/2007 9:43 AM  

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