Does anybody read these?

Proud

Even though I suspect I had a little help from my good friend Liquid Courage, I stood up for myself yesterday. I am pretty proud of myself.

A while back, I told you that over the past few months there have been times that I've looked in the mirror and not liked the person who looked back at me. Sometimes it was a physical thing, but more and more lately, it has been an emotional thing, a spiritual thing, a psychological thing. The girl I'd become was a little effed up, so to speak.

There's been anger. There have been plenty of tears. There have been moments where I've still strayed, but I really am trying.

And, I like myself more now. I realize that the body I'm in right now is the one I'm stuck with, although I can make improvements and I'm trying. In the meantime, I am going to dress well and do my hair and maybe even wear a little make-up. I am pretty, even if I'm fat. It's taken me a long time to realize that, but I'm glad I finally do.

I'm working on the spiritual stuff. I had a long talk with the Big Man. I apologized for all the awful things I've done recently, and I know he's going to take care of me and he has a plan for me.

So, while I was loving me last night and looking out with me, I saw a familiar pattern emerge. So, in my drunken state I told the guy who had just asked me out for this weekend that I just wanted to let him know up front that I'm not a prude but if he was looking to get lucky Friday night, he might want to keep looking. Not surprisingly, the forthcoming details of where and when we were going to meet are no longer forthcoming. But at least I won't feel used and like a stupid idiot when I wake up all alone in tangled sheets the next morning.

We all have needs, believe me. And at some point, taking care of those needs is part of the natural progression. But I'm not a whore, and I'm not going to act like one. It really doesn't help the loneliness more than a couple of hours to be that way anyhow...

This picture has nothing to do with the above post. I just miss Ivan and get to see him in 53 (I think!) days:

posted by Laura at 11:18 AM