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Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So, when we last talked, I was telling you all about the trials and tribulations of me thinking I could actually have something in my life and going after it.

I spent my entire evening (except for a couple of hours helping Carol with a project) arguing with credit card companies, trying to explain to a girl in India that "First Federal Bank" is not any type of abbreviation, and looking for letters that were sent to me years ago indicating that I no longer owed such-and-such money.

And after yet another person blew sunshine up my skirt, I started to feel positive and even thought "If it only takes 10 days for Capital One to take this shitty stuff off my credit report, then maybe no one will buy my dream house and I will somehow magically get a loan and I can buy it."

So, I sent an e-mail to my two primary sunshine blowers: the lender and the real estate agent.

I could explain the whole convoluted story about how I came in touch with these people, but I stopped caring about 20 minutes ago, so let's move on. We can sum it up by saying that another real estate agent whom I'd contacted (but not hired in any way, shape or form) had her lender friend (They're a "team.") call me to get pre-qualified. This lender person happened to call me after I was leaving First Federal Bank (not an abbreviation) in tears because the loan officer basically told me that I was a big, giant loser and then offered to call my real estate agent to tell her I was a big, giant loser for me.

So the lender friend called, and I basically told him I was a big, giant loser. And he blew sunshine up my skirt and told me I wasn't. I also told him that I had kinda-sorta talked to this other real estate lady who was not his friend (She was just the lady from the agency with the dream house; I didn't see the point in wasting anyone else's time.), and everything was OK and I was getting a loan.

Whatever. I'm still not getting a loan and now I have 17,000 more pings on my credit report from all these jerks looking at it.

I don't know why I sent the e-mail telling them I thought I might get the stuff off my credit report and that I might be able to find a house. The lender isn't going to lend me anything, and my real estate agent isn't returning my calls anyhow. They've both given up on me. But I did. Maybe another dream house will come along or a money tree will magically appear in my yard.

You know, a miracle or something.

Anyhow, after I sent the e-mail saying, "Hey, if I suddenly am no longer a loser, then I can get pre-approved and get a house."

Didn't hear anything from the real estate agent. I guess she's out of sunshine to blow.

And I didn't hear anything from the lender either, but I DID get a letter from his real estate agent friend, BLASTING me for signing with another agent and how dare I try to get a loan with Steve and it was all my fault for not communicating with her.

So, I wrote her back and said, "I'm pretty much a loser, and I didn't want to waste anyone else's time. If something changes and I wouldn't rather eat hot shards of glass rather than attempt to purchase a home, I'll let you know."

But, at this point I've pretty much made my peace with being a loser, and this is really the last time I'm going to fret over what might've been, even though the air mattress that Chris and Shelby (and all my guests, really) use has sprung a leak; even though I would've loved for Chris to have been able to stay at my house and watch Portia today while she may or may not be sick. Whatever, I'm not getting a house, so I need to move on. I need to not log on to RealTracs and pretend I can afford anything there. I need to stop searching for predatory lenders to give me a home loan (yes, I stooped that low). I just need to be over it until I'm in a better place financially, which -- let's be honest -- will be never.

It's all good. And if it's not I'll just pretend.

And really, you think someone fighting for your business would give you a self-esteem boost, and it might've if I hadn't had to explain to ONE MORE PERSON that I am a loser and there is no business to give.

This has seriously been the most humiliating process I have ever gone through. And I keep looking at all these damn credit reports, and it says all that shit will go off there in 2015.

Although that's a long time to sleep on an air mattress with a hole in it...

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