Does anybody read these?

I am woman, hear me roar.

So, this is the story about how Laura became the mayor of Cougartown.

(Stop laughing. I'm not joking. You'll see. Keep reading.)

Saturday started out as a very bad day. I arrived at Toys R Us for the Halloween party, and I realized that I am not really equipped to have Halloween without having my little girl around. I thought about texting her father, aka The Douchebag, to tell him to bring her, but that meant I would have to interact with him and The Skank, and I really didn't have the energy for that. But I'm sure she got the best costume you could buy on half-off day at the Goodwill.

I did call Karen to tell her to bring the girls. She told me that Chris isn't mad at me and that having children's services called on them scared the fear of God into him. He's got a job (a good job) and he is really trying to do a good job with Shelby. He still doesn't see Lisa as the problem, but maybe someday he will, especially if he is sober.

She told me what I already knew: that Chris and Lisa were going to try to work things out for six months and then either get divorced or stay together.

So I said: "I can wait six months."

And that is when Karen told me to find someone else and move on. I told her that I didn't want to, I didn't know how and I just wasn't going to do it. I seriously felt the most hurt and the darkest that I had since all this happened. I had always believed Chris would be back until that moment, and I'm not going to lie to all of you: Thinking he was coming back is pretty much the only reason I got out of bed in the morning.

Since we're telling the truth here, I'll tell you what happened next.

I sent one of my friends a text and told her that I had to go and I was just going to go home and down what was left of my Xanax with a bottle of wine and go to sleep. I told her to have my mom use some of my insurance money to set up a college fund for Shelby, and I told her to contact Chris and to make sure he knew and that I never stopped loving him and Shelby and I just couldn't live without them. I didn't know how else to stop hurting.

And I was serious. Dead serious.

I know it's selfish. I know it's a bad thing, but I honestly didn't know how I could live, how I could go through one more holiday without my best friend and the little girl who had become my life over the past year. My family.

So, I counted the minutes until it was time to leave Toys R Us. And my friends Ashley and Robert asked me to come trick or treating with them and their kids and then we were going to have a grown-up Halloween party. I tried to bail because I was in such a bad mood, but as they have during this whole fiasco, Ashley and Robert convinced me to take a pill, suck it up and come to the party.

And I did. And I wore my pirate costume because I paid $60 for it, and I didn't want to send it back. No point in lying now. I looked hot in it. Everyone thought so.

Unfortunately, my camera batteries were shit, so there is no photographic proof, but this is what my costume looked like, only I have huge boobs. Like I said, it was a hit. I had one man put trick-or-treat candy in my cleavage and everyone told me how great I looked.

But the best part was that Ashley's cousin started asking about me the minute he got there. And he's not bad to look at, if I must say so myself. Right away, he changed his plans and decided to trick or treat with us. Then he decided to invite himself to Ashley's party. Oh, and he was going to ride in my car with me and I could just give him a ride home.

Umm. OK.

So, on the way back to town, Robert starts in about how Chris is crazy and I am a good cook and pretty and Chris is just crazy. He's telling this guy what a good cook I am and how nice I am and just about anything positive that he could say about me. I don't really think he needed much convincing.

Anyhow, we went back to the house, and you know me, I am in the kitchen whipping up appetizers and drinks for everyone. My world-famous margaritas and just about anything you can put rum in, not to mention my nacho dip lasted about four minutes. As usual, everyone was raving about my culinary skills.

And ranting about what a retard Chris was for leaving me.

So, we have a cute boy putting the moves on me and a whole bunch of people who think that leaving me would be the dumbest thing in the world.

My self-esteem was off the chart.

So, every good pirate needs a good fruity rum drink (or six), so I enjoyed my new favorite thing: coconut rum and cranberry juice (thanks, Mistee) while I talked to this boy on the couch.

The next thing I knew, he was kissing me, and everyone was cheering.

So much class, so little time.

Finally, I asked him what he did for a living and he tells me (are you ready?): "I am taking a break from Austin Peay (a nearby university) while I save up some money because I had too many student loans."

Oh. My. God. He's a child. Oh. My. God. I was just joking about becoming a cougar to get over Chris.

Well, it turns out he is 21, which is good, because I had just let him do body shots. (You saw the costume, it just begged for it.) But I am still 33. But apparently, when you are 33, you are "with it," unlike immature, fake college girls. Who knew? I think the boobies probably help.

And this is why everyone is roaring at me now. Everytime people see me, they roar. Well, it wasn't just the making out and body shots, but this is a family blog. Let's just say, you pretty much know you are going to have an opportunity arise when you aren't seeing the point in paying $30 for your NuvaRing and just leave it at Target. Oops.

Oh, did I mention that I am pretty sure all of our friends broke their fingers texting Chris about me hooking up with a college kid? That felt kind of good too. At least I am not with a chick who looks like a dude and smells. (Not like I would be with a chick anyhow. My whole point is that I think I am much better off than my former better half.)

I think it is all because Crystal gave me a "lucky" buckeye at work on Friday. Although I am told they do not work on Michigan fans.

Song of the day: "Best Days of Your Life" by Kellie Pickler

posted by Laura at 10:25 AM