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Monday, September 14, 2009


Bitching and moaning on a blog is not enough therapy. I am going to have to go talk to someone to a) give my friends a break from my bitching b) try to find some way to move on and c) get these bad thoughts out of my head.

I don't know how I'm going to afford it. Lisa gets free counseling on my dime, and I have to pay a load of money to talk to someone. Lovely. Just one more reason to believe in socialized medicine for EVERYONE, not just losers who won't work.

Chris got fired from his job because of all this nonsense on Friday. He told me right away and he's being cordial to me lately, but apparently it's not enough to get his ass back home where he belongs. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be able to spend all my time with someone who got me fired from my job. I'm pretty sure I would be reading that person's pedigree.

But, I am in a much better place that Chris is regarding self-esteem and abusive relationships.

I know he loves me, but if it's not enough, it's not enough.

I have said no less than a million times that I believe this is all a test of my faith, and that was confirmed at Church yesterday.

And because God really has a sense of humor, Kay was sitting right in front of me, two rows up. She ignored me, and I had better things to do, so that's all that was.

It's getting easier, and I think I'm starting to make my peace with the fact that he's probably never coming back and he's too much of a pussy to tell me that. And really, do I want to be with someone like that?

I wish I could turn the love off. I wish I could get mad at him. I am to some extent. I hate that he is abandoning me, and that my love wasn't good enough after all we've been through.

His parents say he's still confused and they have hope that we'll be back together. Everyone says that Lisa will show her true colors. But she has, and he's still with her. When I talked to him yesterday, it sounded like there might be trouble in paradise, but I haven't heard from him for 19 hours, not like I'm counting. It used to be I never went 19 minutes without getting a reply to my texts. And before you say I wasn't supposed to be contacting him, I asked him if he wanted these pictures of Shelby off my phone before I throw it in the trash. No reply.

I know if God wants us to be together we will be. I'm trying not to lose hope and faith. But I have to be realistic too. I haven't seen him in two weeks. Last week he sent me shitty texts and this week he sends me nice ones until he starts ignoring me again. I could text him right now and tell him my head is on fire, and if he is with Lisa, he is not even going to read it, let alone help me.

I want to hate him for that. I really do. He promised he wouldn't leave me, and he did. So, I know I'm supposed to have faith, but there's not much to work with here at this point.

I saw Shelby Saturday, and she is sad and she told me she missed me and asked if she could go to my house. Our friends tell me that Chris isn't happy like he was when he was with me. God knows that I am not happy.

But God also knows that only Chris can end the suffering. And as Fr. Breen said yesterday at mass, God is the only thing that can save us from ourselves.

I think prayers will help, so if you do such things, that'd be appreciated.

I'm going to try to move on to bigger and better things, both on the Internet and in real life. We'll see how it goes. I was doing OK until I had my daily "he might really never come back" reality check. Those suck, but I guess it's better than false hope.

1 comment(s):

I've not visited your blog for sometime. I am very sorry you are going through all this pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

By Blogger Daisy, at 11/01/2009 9:58 AM  

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