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Thursday, October 08, 2009

Hanging in there

It's been over a month. There's not much hope left in these parts. I have heard so many rumors, but the only person who needs to be talking to me isn't. That says more than anyone else could say, really.

I tried really hard. I did the best I could. If that's not enough, then piss on him.

I just hope that Shelby doesn't get taken away. She's dirty. She's sad. They are not exactly behaving in a manner that would win them any parenting awards.

It's really unfortunate because "I'm trying to do what's right for Shelby" was his bullshit excuse for doing this at all.

I really honestly think that he thinks that when things don't work out with her -- and they won't -- that he can just stroll back into my life life nothing happened.

That's hilarious.

I am spending a fortune I don't have to see a great shrink. I take four different medications each day just to function without having a meltdown. I'm sad, lonely and angry.

But I'm standing my ground and not talking to him, because I don't want things to end any worse than they already have.

Because really all I want to tell him is to go fuck himself. But that's just because I'm pissed off today.

Last night all I wanted to tell him was that I was sorry I took his side of the bed.

It doesn't matter anymore. I am trying to move on with my life. I don't know that there's enough super glue in the world to ever repair my heart, but I am going to try. Actually, probably not. I think it is closed until further notice.

But that's OK. I needed a break too, and I like sleeping in on Saturdays and hogging the covers and pillows.

I miss him, and I still love him more than anything. I probably always will. I don't know what I'd do if he came back, but I'm betting I shouldn't worry too much about that.

I hope he has a good life. I hope that my nine months with Shelby instilled some good values in her to balance out the toxic environment she's in now.

Oh well. Sometimes things don't work out. I guess it's better that I know now.

It still hurts. It hurts more than I ever imagined.

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