Does anybody read these?

A month

I realized yesterday that it had been one month since all this started. In some ways, it seems like it was yesterday; in others, it seems like it's been a lifetime, but I don't know that I will ever forget that day. It was the Monday night of our work Convention. I was tired and I had a huge, busy day on Tuesday. I was literally climbing into bed when my phone vibrated and said I had a new text. It went something like this.

Chris: So, I figured out what Lisa wants.
Me: Yeah?
Chris: She wants to get back together.

I just started crying, because I knew that if Chris had the choice he would get back with her. I knew it. After all she's done to him, he's just got it in his mind that he needs to be with the mother of his child. In some ways, that's noble; but really, in this case, it's just nuts. She has had him arrested, gotten him fired from his job, abandoned him, kidnapped his child and lots of other stuff that frankly shouldn't even matter if you managed to get past the first four things.

So, I cried. And then I cried some more.

Then I called him to say goodbye. Only he didn't want to say goodbye.

He asked me if I loved him or if I just loved Shelby, and I told him I loved him more than anything and I loved Shelby because they were a package deal. He said he needed to figure some things out.

The next day, after I'd tortured myself for about 24 hours, he told me he "wasn't going back with that bitch."

(When I called Lisa and confronted her, I said, "Do you really want to be with someone who almost exclusively refers to you as 'That Bitch'?" But, I digress.)

Wednesday night I called him hoping we could get together and he told me he was too tired.

When we got together Thursday, I learned that things with "That Bitch" weren't as cut and dry as he'd originally led me to believe. He was still thinking about getting back with her, for Shelby's sake, of course, and he had spent the night before with her. That's when I got to see "The Contract," the 15 items, single spaced, covering almost an entire sheet of computer paper of what she'd do right this time.

I just love Chris. I feed him and do his laundry because I love him. I change Shelby and buy her clothes because I love her. Before all this, I couldn't ever go 48 hours without talking to him (item #3) or have him arrested.

My contract is in my heart. It doesn't need to be on paper. And the fact that he would even consider all that insulted me. That was the night we fought in his driveway and his dad came out to see what the commotion was. I was hurt and embarrassed.

Since then, things haven't been good, but he still keeps telling me this isn't over and he hasn't made a decision. But it's been a month and I'm not stupid, and I think the longer I go without my phone ringing the louder his "decision" becomes. I don't want to give up on him completely, even though it seems like he's given up on himself. I'm sad and I miss him like the dickens, but trying to make someone feel something they don't never works.

I try not to worry about it. It gets easier, but yesterday was hard. Realizing it had been one month and that I hadn't heard from him since Sunday night was hard. I don't have anything to say right now to him. I don't want to bother him. I hope he misses me, but I secretly supsect he's just moving on and heading back into his dysfunction. I have done absolutely everything I can to help him. I have.

Sometimes I wish I'd been different. I know that I wasn't really his "type." I have a suspicion I was just the girl who kept him from being miserable for nine more months. He's told me a half dozen times that if it weren't for me, he would've killed himself over all this mess. That it was just too hard living in the hell Lisa created alone. But frankly, that can't be worse than living in the hell Lisa created with Lisa, can it?

I'll get better someday. It'll stop hurting sometime. Everything I read today -- my Bible verses, my horoscope, everything -- talked about managing my expectations. And I need to start doing that. I can't count on him coming back and everything being OK. I am sure he'll come back -- probably somewhere down the road from here, because Lisa will hurt him again -- but I don't know that everything will be OK. I don't know that at all anymore. My visions of a happy little family living happily ever after probably need to be modified at this point.

I know I'll love again. In fact, I know I won't stop loving him. I'll just change what I expect from him. I'll just sit over here loving him and everybody else in world (even loving Lisa, which I know is my challenge from God and a very hard thing to do. I'm sure it would burn her pagan biscuits for her to know that I pray to Jesus and the Holy Mother everyday for her). Eventually someone will come along -- maybe it will be Chris, but most likely it will be someone else -- who is ready for unconditional love. And then maybe I'll have my happily ever after.

Yes, things are changing. Everything in my life is going to come from a place of hope, trust and love. Everything will be inspired by the Lord and powered by prayer. It's the way I should've been living and loving all along.

Song of the Day: "I Can't Stop Loving You" by Keith Urban

posted by Laura at 9:13 AM