Does anybody read these?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I'm alive

So, we're on Day 4 of the quiet telephone game. I'm also reading a great book called "In The Meantime." Toma gave it to me a while ago, and I realized that it would be a good read right now, because I am definitely in the meantime. I'm learning a lot about unconditional love, trusting those to whom you give your heart and patience. I'm also learning a lot about faith. I am praying the Rosary daily (thanks to podcasts I listen to in the car), praying to St. Anne and reading the Bible. I've also subscribed to have The Upper Room devotionals e-mailed to me everyday. Their recommended Bible passage for today was 1 Corinthians 13. A lot of food for thought in these parts lately.

I don't know what's going on, but I know that God will take care of me and that I have to be strong in my faith. That's all I can do.

I'm burying myself in the kitchen too. We went to the Loveless Cafe on Monday night, and it was delicious. I used the leftovers to make last night's dinner. The country ham went into a crock pot full of fresh green beans from my CSA. I cooked them on low from 9 p.m. Tuesday until 6 p.m. last night. The leftover biscuits and an organic chicken from the CSA became creamed chicken over biscuits. The meal was finished off with my new favorite side dish, southern-style creamed corn (I got in a tube in the freezer section and cooked it in a skillet with butter and sauteed diced onions) and homemade apple crisp.

As I ate this delicious meal, I sat there and wondered how anyone could walk away from my awesomeness. I'm still not sure, but it's really not my problem. I hope he enjoys a sinkfull of dishes (although I really can't talk about that right now) and eating hamburger helper off a dirty plate, if he's lucky.

Sometimes I get angry. I got angry today while I was listening to Keith Urban's song "Won't Let You Down." I feel let down. I just wish he could've stood up for me. Maybe he will in the end, but right now I don't feel like I can count on that.

And that hurts. But I'll be OK. I have happiness, and I have lots of friends who love me. I love myself. But, at the same time, I'm not going to underestimate the power of the Lord and the pull of unconditional love. Because that's what I offer. I know Lisa's got plenty of conditions, but I don't even know if there's love attached to it. I'm not even sure she knows how to love.

So, I keep moving on, because I have no choice. Eventually I will find love again, but it's not like I'm lonely and unhappy now. I have plenty of projects to keep me busy. I'm having a fall fiesta tomorrow night, and I'm going to water aerobics after work. I'm starting my running next week, because I officially have about eight weeks until the Boulevard Bolt and about five months until 8 Tuff Miles. I have got to get on track.

None of us know what the future holds. We can only live in the present. And that's what I'm doing.

My favorite song right now is "I'm Alive" on Kenny's latest CD. I am not a Dave Matthews fan, but I love Dave's part of the song, because I know the song was written down in the islands, and Dave's part of the song takes me back. It's kind of become my anthem lately. Yeah, life's hard. But I'm still alive. And in a few months, I'll get to go watch the lights dance off Cruz Bay, and that will make everything better.

I'm including the lyrics here. I'm sure it's probably illegal, but I think if the songwriters take issue, I can bribe them with baked goods. Maybe that might just work in my favor anyhow...

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me
I’d like to think my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out is a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, and there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out is a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well

2 comment(s):

"I sat there and wondered how anyone could walk away from my awesomeness."

Nobody in their right mind would!

By Blogger Charlene, at 9/17/2009 10:27 PM  

I love you now, in the meantime, in the sometimes, and ALWAYS. xo

By Blogger Toma, at 9/21/2009 10:20 PM  

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