Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


In some strange way, I'm secretly hoping that I've been so quiet lately you've all given up on me and aren't reading anymore. What kind of writer doesn't want people to read her words?

One who needs to talk, has no one to talk to and just doesn't want the commentary.

Anyone who's been here for a while knows that a few years ago, I went out with someone for several months, helped him raise his child and then ended up having a nervous breakdown when he left me to try to work things out with his ex-wife. It was one of the hardest, darkest times of my life.

Once life had finally started to look up from that, I found out that I was having some health issues and got caught up in some nasty drama involving another man who had crossed my path.

With all that, I just put the whole dating scene up on a shelf high on a closet and worked on improving myself and not worrying about other people.

I bought a house. A house that I got a good deal on and that I love. I am excited every night when I come home.

But right after I moved into that house, I met a guy. A really nice guy. A really nice guy that I liked a lot. He and I spent a lot of time together and I just really enjoyed being around him. I didn't figure I'd be with him forever, but I was definitely enjoying it while it lasted.

And then last week, I went to Disney World with my family, which was probably the best week I have had in a really long time, possibly forever. It was so cool to get to spend a week with my nephew, whom I only see once or twice a year. Actually, that could be said about just about anyone in my family these days.

And Disney World? Well, I am not sure how I made it almost 36 years before I went to Disney World. That place is amazing. They really go out of their way to make sure you have a first-rate experience there.

I talked to my suitor while I was gone. I told him I had thought about buying him a gift, but I hadn't bought it yet. He and I talked and everything seemed OK.

Except it wasn't. I hadn't heard from him the rest of the week, but I knew he was busy with work, so I finally checked in once I was getting ready to come back home.

And he dropped a bombshell on me. He'd decided to reunite with his ex-wife.

Luckily, I've been dealt these cards so many times in the last few years that I new exactly how to play this hand. It's not hard actually. You cry a little. You try to figure out why the fuck this keeps happening to you. And then you go about your business because there's nothing else you can do.

I think the part that pissed me off the most is that getting dumped right before your birthday totally sucks. Not as much as the realization that you will never be able to keep a man, especially when his ex-wife that he's done nothing but talk shit about comes along, but it does suck.

Oh, well. Life goes on. I'm still healthy. I have a job.  A house. I'm doing it all on my own, simply because that's the hand I've been dealt.

However, the guilt must have been getting to my little friend, because he felt compelled to email me a play-by-play of the events of the week that I was gone and tell me how great things are and how this was what was missing blah blah blah.

I'm not sure why he did that. It wasn't to rub it in or anything. I think he just wanted to tie up loose ends. It didn't make me want to tell him to go fuck himself anyless, but of course I'm too polite for that.

So, now I sit here. I sit here missing someone I have no right to miss. Someone who really, truly doesn't deserve to be missed by me anyhow.

Every time this happens I say I'm getting too old to do it again. And this time, at 36, I'm thinking I'm for real. The benefits (although they were really, really great this time) do not outweigh the costs. I own my own house, I have a good job, a nice car...I think I really am just better off by myself.

Before I left, my therapist asked me where I saw myself at 40. And, while I'm not a huge fan of setting arbitrary, age-based goals, I did have a few (which I'm not sharing right now), but none of them included having a spouse or even a significant other. While there really are no words to explain how I feel to come home, in the rain, to see a man holding flowers on my back porch waiting for me, there aren't any words to explain how I feel when I come home and realize he's not ever going to be there again either.

All I can really say on this gloomy day is that I'm thankful the eye doctor put all kinds of drops in my eyes, because it gives me an excuse to mist up once in a while...

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