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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Adios, Jackass.

With as little fanfare as when it began, my attempts at online dating have ended. I wish I could say I was telling you with regret, but the only regret I have is that I gave my phone number to a few asshats.

Unfortunately, those of you who have followed my journey may be disappointed that it's ending, but keep reading this last missive, because I assure you it went out with a bang.

(No, not a real "bang." Sorry about that. Trust me, I'm so sorry for that. Celibacy is not my favorite thing in the world. Oh well.)

So, what caused me to bid adieu to my online dating pals and retreat to my cave like a hermit?

I don't have a clever nickname for him, and if I use his real name he'll probably sue me, so let's just call him "Jackass."


So, Jackass and I just started talking casually a few months ago, no big deal. We went out to lunch once and he was cute and seemed sweet. Then we watched a movie at my house. And yes, watching a movie at my house ended how it usually ends. Don't judge.

I can hear you judging.

Anyhow, let's fast forward. It wasn't that I didn't like him; in fact, I enjoyed myself very much. But summer is busy for me work-wise (at both places) and I've been busy as hell. Plus I would check in with him and he wouldn't answer my calls, texts or emails. Officially, he blamed that on his phone being out of minutes. It could be true, he has some serious money management issues.

I know he has some serious money management issues because a few days after we had a date, he told me he was probably going to lose his job because he didn't have any gas money. I am pretty sure that he was angling for me to reimburse him the gas money from said date, but I wasn't taking the bait.

So, he flitted and floated from job to job, gas money permitting. Well, until his car got repossessed.

This economy sucks. I don't wish joblessness on anyone, not even The Chef (whose restaurant has already closed and his lovely wife lost her job as well. Hello, karma. But I still feel bad about it.). So, yes, I felt bad that he kept losing his job. Not enough to bankroll his life, but bad nonetheless.

Fast forward a few weeks, and Jackass has a new job. He's riding the bus to work everyday, but you do what you have to do, right?

One afternoon I texted him and told him not to ride the bus, that I would meet him after work and we could go out to dinner. And because I knew he hadn't gotten paid yet and I am a nice person, I paid for dinner.

Or, as I call it now, "opened the floodgates."

Apparently a $9 meal at the grossest Chinese buffet in the history of Chinese buffets (aka his favorite restaurant), made Jackass think he was entitled to ride some sort of imaginary gravy train.

He started asking me for money constantly. Bus fare to get to work was semi-reasonable. A nipple ring and a penis pump (his rationale: I'm getting them for your enjoyment), not so much. To say that I was extremely hostile at those requests would be the understatement of the year. Especially when he proceeded to whine that he never gets to see me because I work too much.

Well, buddy, here's a secret for you: I go to that magical place called work everyday so they can magically put something called MONEY in my bank account every week. Funny how that works.

When I told my friends about this, every single one of them responded by asking me how old this man is. Unfortunately, the answer is 40, although this explains why a good looking, 40-year-old man is single, doesn't it?

After this episode, do you really blame for deciding that I'm better off single. Between him, the foreign guys trying to get green cards (and, most likely, money as well) and the guys who just want me to email pictures of my breasts, I am beyond over trying to date right now.

They always say that you find love when you least expect it, that as soon as you stop looking, someone will show up in your life. I really hope this is true, because I sure as hell am not going out and seeking this dysfunction again on purpose.

I guess we'll see. I won't hold my breath.

Song of the Day: "Mercedes Benz" by Janis Joplin

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