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Monday, September 10, 2012


Wow, I haven't been here for a while. Sorry about that. My laptop seems to have gone to heaven, and I won't be getting a new one (OK, a totally used netbook) from my aunt until next month. I am a little hesitant to post at work, but I'm also hesitant to burst into tears and run out of my workplace, so they'll have to deal with a little literary therapy this morning.

I promise I will get back to newsletter advertisements and press releases shortly, and it will be wonderful.

I feel like I am losing my mind and going to the bad place again. I am sure part of it is that I haven't taken my meds yet today. But, part of it is that I know there are a lot of toxic people in my life and I'm just not sure what to do about it. The current plan is to internalize all feelings until I have another breakdown. Always a good time.

I go Thursday for my sleep study, which means a few things: 1) I will soon look like an elephant when I get to wear that contraption to bed at night (not that I think I will wear it; I take my breathe right strips off during the night now). 2) I will never ever get laid again, because I have to wear some sort of contraption to sleep at night. 3) I cannot discuss these issues with my therapist, because I am using what's left of my insurance money to let strangers watch me sleep and buy the contraption.

I was going to put something about finally caring about my health and making a commitment to getting healthy, which was true last week. This week, however, I don't give a fuck about cholesterol and glucose levels, not being able to breathe when you sleep or old-lady arthritis knees.

That doesn't mean I'm eating the two cookies that some nice person left on my desk. All I've had was a cup of coffee with two tablespoons of fat-free half and half and two Splenda, a Greek yogurt, a tangerine and one ounce of cheese. Yes, the dreaded diet is back. Tomorrow I am going to attempt to go to the gym. I was going to do it today, then I had a meltdown and ran out of time to pack my gym bag.

I would love to say I'm doing all this to be healthier. I would love to say that because that would be the good thing to do, the right thing to do. That would probably also be the goal that would give me the greatest amount of success.

But, no, I'm way too shallow for that. I'm just doing this so skinny asshole bitches will stop thinking I'm a worthless human being and men will start seeing me as more than a fat chick who will take what she can get. I'm neither of those things, and I'm sick of it. I guess the breaking point should've been when my fat pants ceased to button, but the reality is, I don't want people thinking it's ok to treat me poorly because I'm overweight.

It's probably a senseless mission. I'm not ever going to be thin, no matter what I do. My body just isn't built that way. And, I'm too old to date anyway. But damn it, I'm going to try if it kills me. The thing is, I'm totally keeping it on the downlow. My dietician thinks it's because of my lipids and my glucose, which were apparently higher than usual on my latest round of blood tests. We'll let her go on thinking that. But I'm not telling anyone else because I can't deal with the judgment and commentary.

Can I be successful all by myself? I'm not sure. But, after this weekend, I figure I need to learn how to do things on my own, because it's just me from here in. Deep down, at the end of the day, all I've got is myself and that's just how it is. So, I need to get used to it and just suck it up.

We'll see what happens. I'm not expecting much.

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