Does anybody read these?

The Dance

There's a little dance folks do in online dating. It's one of the things I hate most about online dating.

As we've already established, a lot of people who do online dating are single (if, in fact, they are single) because they have issues with boundaries. So the dance starts a little like this. Stranger boy sends stranger girl ONE email, in which he proclaims his, um, let's be polite and call it "great interest" in stranger girl. Also, he would like her number so they can text. Or they can IM on Yahoo if that's better. Basically, he has issues with others' boundaries so he thinks it's time to kick it up a notch.

Sometimes this first step in the dance can actually happen before Stranger Boy even looks at Stranger Girl's profile. That's when you know you've caught a real gem, ladies.

Stranger girl sees this message and, as you'd imagine, is more frightened than flattered. (At least this girl is, some -- whom I suspect have boundary issues of their own -- probably eat this shit up with a spoon.) And since the first rule of texting is: Never text with a creeper, stranger girl makes politely tells stranger boy "I am not the type to move so fast. If you want to get to know me, we can correspond here until we get to a point where we both feel comfortable exchanging numbers."

Usually this is where stranger boy, who clearly does not understand boundaries and feels that stranger girl is impeding his ONE TRUE LOVE, moves on.

Stranger girl breathes sigh of relief and sends same email to about a half dozen other chaps in her inbox.

Where the dancing comes into play is when stranger boy returns. You see, after being "rejected" by stranger girl, he goes on and tries the same thing with -- I'm guessing based on my inbox traffic -- probably at least a half dozen other girls. And, as previously mentioned, the low self-esteem girls are on this like white on rice. At least until even they start to get creeped out. I'm guessing since they've given their number out they just change it or throw their phone in a river or something. Or at least I would.

So freshly rejected and, I'm suspecting not 100 percent sure whom he has and has not contacted, stranger boy sends another message to the original girl who established boundaries that hurt his feelings. At least for a little while he may try to play by her rules, but really a) the original creepiness and lack of boundaries is burned into her mind like a brand on a steer's ass and b) they have no boundaries so eventually the dance ends up right back where it started.

For example, there was a chap the other day who contacted me. He was not from the greater Nashville metropolitan area, so right away my guard was up. Anyone who gets the brilliant idea to contact a far-away stranger to pursue a relationship is desperate with a capital D. But, I'm polite so I don't automatically discount anyone based on location. It does give you a disadvantage, but it doesn't really matter, because in about 14 seconds you'll prove you have no boundaries and are not my kind of guy anyhow.

So, this chap contacts me. I had said maybe five words via email (on the site, I don't give out my real email. Come on.) in my entire life. Of course, that makes this the perfect time to tell me that you want to marry me and have my babies, right?

Wrong. Oh so, very wrong.

Well, on this particular evening I was in a mood and sick of dealing with men's bullshit, so I decided instead of just being polite and deleting his email, I would reply and offer him so practical advice for dating, and reality, while we're at it since his grasp was a little fuzzy.

I asked him: "Do you really think it's appropriate to tell someone you've never met that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Let's not put the cart before the horse, buddy."

And, miraculously he agreed with me. His next two emails were polite and platonic.

However, in the third one he actually said: "I want to make you my princess."

Aggh. I didn't even reply. It wasn't even worth the 30 seconds it would've taken to tell him to go blow himself.

It's really sad watching the online dating people. There's probably three ounces of self-esteem between all of them. They are all desperate and grasping at whatever. It's really sad.

I am not 36 and single because I am a fan of settling. I did actually go on a date with someone last week and he asked me what I was looking for.

I told him this: I am looking for someone to be my friend first. We can go on dates if we want and see if something develops. If one day I wake up and realize I can't live without that person, then I might consider getting married and settling down. But I'm not getting married just because I don't want to be lonely. I haven't settled yet, and whoever comes along is going to have to blow my socks off.

I don't mean I am looking for bells and whistles. I know you don't always get fireworks and stringed orchestras. I also know that you shouldn't ever lower your standards and pledge your undying love to a fixer-upper hoping that it will work out, because it won't. And IF I get married, I am only doing it once.

After all, my house -- which I bought all by myself, I might add -- was a repo and it's got enough issues. I sure as hell am not going to bring a man who's a special project into the mix.

So, I keep trucking on. The guy I went on the date with is sweet and he has a job, so we are already ahead of the crowd here. We will see what happens.

I think mostly right now I am afraid of putting myself back out there, because I started to fall for someone and it went all wrong. Maybe if I keep my distance my heart can come out on the other side relatively unscathed.

Although the more that I think about it, to have that attitude means you're assuming from the start that it won't work out. Once bitten, twice shy, I guess.

And so, we keep dancing. I'm glad I wore comfortable shoes.

posted by Laura at 9:11 AM