Does anybody read these?

Call me maybe? Nah, nevermind.

I had been writing about the trials and tribulations of my most recent attempt at online dating. I’m hoping that you didn’t think I ran out of adventures just because I hadn’t said anything. While there was nothing so hilarious I had to tell you immediately, it is definitely an interesting ride, and I am – by choice – rolling back into the station after the latest journey with nothing but a little more baggage.


I’ve met enough needy men to fill a passenger train. I’ve tried to corral their expectations and help them tone down their neediness, but more likely than not, they get sent to the back of the line. If I see one more stranger tell me how beautiful I am and ask me for my number so they can begin texting me ASAP, I’m going to have a mini-seizure. Usually after I reply, “I don’t give my personal info out until I really know someone, but you’re more than welcome to continue your conversation here,” I never hear from them again. Really, I’m not devastated.

Of course, the other issue with that behavior trait is that not everyone on online dating services is actually a person. Some of them are scammers who think you are so desperate you will give them money to come visit you from foreign lands or –even better—give them your bank account number so they can get you money to come visit them.

Luckily, I left my house with the old self-esteem intact, so someone from a far away foreign land with the screen name “Barry Sweetness” (true story) will have to keep looking for his princess, beauty and/or one true love.

Today I decided to hang up my hat and call it quits. I think there’s a leak in my hip waders because I just can’t do it. I don’t want a pen pal from somewhere far away. I would, for once in my life, like a man who has a job and a little gumption, instead of one who’s on disability or just mooching off of his parents’ disability. Not that I need a guy with some big fancy job, but I already support one adult and if I wanted to support another human without any help, I’d have a child on my own. You know I’ve always resented working my ass off at two jobs when the man in my life had zero jobs. I doubt that will ever change. I am not a human ATM machine. And if I start paying for extracurricular activities, the guys will start looking like the guys on “Magic Mike.”

Remarkably, it’s not the needy guys who are practically divorced or unemployed or even display their naked moobs in their profile pictures who have turned me off to online dating. It’s actually the guys who think that you replying to their message/adding them as a friend/giving them your number/suggesting you meet up for coffee/etc. makes you their personal property. This past weekend, a guy who I’d asked out for drinks because he was actually way more gentlemanly than the others (i.e. he hasn’t sent me an unsolicited picture of his man parts) apparently thought that meant we were beholden to each other. At least I’m guessing that’s what he thought because when my weighty weekend work schedule appeared to him as an opportunity for me to meet up with someone else (I wish, but no, I was working.) he went a little ape on me. Not that I needed to justify my whereabouts to him in the slightest. But, you know what? He was hell bent that people say they want to meet up and then cancel at the last minute EVERY TIME, and now he’s gotten his wish. But he needs to look a little closer to home to figure out why that’s happening.

I’m a 36-year-old human. It became illegal to own other humans here in the U.S. almost 150 years ago. I’m thankful for that, and not really interested in being in that situation. I would much rather continue to work my ass off, own my own home with whomever I want in it (roommates and such) and be happy than deal with all this BS. I don’t deserve it. No person does – male or female – and God help those who think they do.

Sorry. This post isn’t funny at all, unless you find complete and total assholes funny. I’ll try harder next time.

If there is a next time. Right now, I am leaning toward adding a few cats and a glass dish of ribbon candy all stuck together.

posted by Laura at 2:54 PM