Does anybody read these?

Prepare ye the way of the Lord...

When I was growing up in Catholic grade school, my absolute favorite song to sing was "Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord." As I was listening to today's homily at Mass, I realized that I wanted to talk about Advent and getting ready for the arrival of Jesus. I thought that song title was appropriate. I have somehow managed to make it through my entire life without seeing Godspell, but apparently that song is in the play. Now that I think way back to being 12 years old in the school choir, I do remember Sister Carrine, the guitar-slinging nun who taught us English and directed our musical efforts saying something to that effect. She reminded me a lot of Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. Not because she looked like Julie Andrews or left the convent to marry a man with dozens of children, but because she was so happy and taught us how to sing while teaching us important lessons about life. And honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit that I was quite old before I realized that you didn't have to play the guitar to be a nun. I'm sure they'd have taught me in the Convent anyhow.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled message.

It's the first Sunday of Advent, the four-week preparation period before Christmas. This is the time we're supposted to be getting ready for Jesus's birth. In today's readings, we are told to be mindful of our actions and prepare our hearts because we never know when God is coming. Father John's homily was excellent today. He used the example of Hurricane Katrina and how they told everyone it was coming and to leave their homes. And many people just did what they always did. They bought a few days' worth of food and water, maybe a generator, and hunkered down to ride it out. Weeks later, they were without food, water or electricity and in a very dangerous situation, simply because they'd done what they'd always done before. So, this Advent are we going to heed the warnings to be ready for Christ's coming, or are we just going to coast like we have in the past? Wow, what a powerful message that really puts it into perspective. I think we all coast at times in our lives.

I've been trying very hard not to coast lately. I've been working very hard at the job that I have. I've been working very hard to find a job that I'd like better. I've been contributing at Church through teaching Sunday School, being a confirmation sponsor, singing in the choir and now I am organizing a collection for the local food pantry and am going to ask Father if I can organize some Christmas caroling. I know that we won't get to heaven just by the things that we do, and I've really improved my spiritual life too. There were things holding me back, and I let them go. I've really struggled with that, but I know I've made the right decision. And I still pray every single day and light a candle on Sundays that God help me with that situation. I've been through a lot in my life, and I can easily say that one of the hardest things I have ever done is to realize that I completely and totally had to walk away, to pretty much write people out of my life, especially people that I loved like they were my sisters and had great times with. Because if people don't believe in you, there's not really much point is there. I just had this conversation with a friend about someone in her life. I told her that if the trust wasn't there, there's no foundation. If you can't trust someone to treat you fairly and love you unconditionally and to be there when you need them, what do you base that relationship on? Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, mourn and then move on.

I took some of the responsibility for the breakdown of trust in the friendship in question. And I still would do things differently if I had it to do over again. Believe me when I say that. The fact is, no matter what I did, there were going to be some trust issues because it was never there in the first place. It wasn't the building block of the relationship. In fact, I'm not sure if it was even present at all. The funny part is that when people are absolutely fantastic people on their own, they should just be the fantastic person they are instead of creating a new reality to be even more fantastic. Of course, the funniest part is that I was accused of being the one who lived in a world of make-believe. The only reason I ever ended up in that world is because I trusted people who took me along for the ride. I have a great life. I have a loving family, fantastic friends, strong faith, and a job that puts food on the table even though it has its moments (but I also have a fantastic education and am looking for a job that better uses my talents). I have a little doggie who loves me. I have my health. If you have all that (well, the doggie's not essential), everything else is just the icing on the cake. Plus, I've always been a person who's never gotten my identity from the man in my life. I'm probably too independent for my own good.

Why am I mentioning all this, especially because I've been doing such a good job at dealing with it? Because I really wasn't. This has been nagging at me. I think I mentioned that it's been running through my head and the thoughts pop up and I get so upset again. I get really upset when I think of hearing someone who I loved and trusted telling me that I was the one with the problem with reality, especially now that I've learned a little bit more about what exactly reality is. That really bothers me, but there's nothing that I can do about it. One of my friends would really like me to be vindictive, but that's just not my style. I really do need to move on, and this is it. My absolute last word on the subject is this: I am very sad that people would not only feel that they needed to make things up to be my friend. I hate to say this about anyone that I love, but I am sad that I believed them and allowed my own reality to be distorted. It absolutely, positively sucks to have to say that you wished you'd never trusted a friend. It breaks my heart. Broken hearts heal, but I don't ever want someone to ever say to me that I have issues with reality again, so I'm going to file all this away now that I've gotten this off my chest. Today's the first day of the new year in the Church. It's time to turn over a new leaf, put this up on the shelf and really start over fresh. I can't let it bother me anymore, and there's no reason to be mean about it. I can still love and pray for someone from the sidelines. I don't need to be involved to ask God to take care of folks, especially when it seems like they really need it.

posted by Laura at 4:47 PM