Does anybody read these?

Adventures in banking...

I am currently (still) trying to close an account at a bank that I will say rhymes with Barter Hun. I am afraid they are going to hunt me down and sue me or something. They are scary and I wrote them a big-ass check to get them out of my life today. Fingers crossed that it'll work.

Here is the clif's notes on what led to my delightful call with a gal we will call "Evil Customer Service Shrew (ECSS)" based out of somewhere in New England. I was already pissed when I called because when I pulled up my screen I saw more than $100 in fees to my account from their screw-ups. You see, every time I try to close the account they slap on more fees and won't let me close it. I can't even tell you how many fees I have paid them the last few months. But ECSS was hearing none of this. I call her and I explain to her I need to CLOSE this account. Yesterday. Really, three months ago. And she is very hostile and explaining that I owe money. And I tell her that she needs to tell me where to write a check and I'm sending it and they can stick the account right up their asses when they get the check. I tell her I am not driving 150 miles round trip to the nearest branch, nor am I sending a check to that branch who put crediting my account very low on their priority list and ended up causing $66 of the fees currently on this account. She tells me I don't need to do that because they have a corporate PO box for just this occasion. I ask her if it's new and she says that they've always had it. I tell her that's very odd because FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS they've always told me there was no such thing and to send it to my nearest incompetent branch for processing. Good golly, if I'd known this little secret, I'd have saved hundreds of dollars in fees, which is precisely why I think they DID NOT tell me.

So, I tell ECSS, who was apparently absent on "the customer is always right" day of her training that I need to close my account. And ECSS, who is apparently playing with a light-up Santa pen and not listening to me, tells me I can't close my account because I owe them money. And I say "Yoo-hoo, ECSS, honey, I am trying to do that. I am sending you a check and then you just close me up, OK?" And she tells me send the check and when it's credited and the computer says your account balance is 0, call back and we will close it out. And I said, "Just like you have the LAST SIX TIMES I've tried to do this, right?"

So, then ECSS suggests another option. I'll have to rewind a little more. And I'm going to tell you this person's name because, frankly, I hope she googles herself and sees this so she can help me. You see, for some reason unknown to me, this gal named Florita McNeely who I have never met nor have any clue who she is, has me listed as an authorized user on her account. Did I mention that I have NO IDEA who Florita is. Twice I have asked them to remove me from Ms. McNeely's account (once at a branch and once on the telephone when it used to be nice people from Cleveland and not jerks from somewhere in the Northeast), and then I didn't see anything about this mystery account. Well, ever since these jerks in Rhode Island bought my bank, I am once again on Florita's account. Because everyone has always told me only Ms. McNeely -- did I mention I don't know her? -- can remove me, I suspect in the past they just made it so I couldn't see her account online. Well, since the new people can see her account. And if I really wanted to, I could transfer money from her account to mine because I am a user on both. It's been very tempting when all these fees keep overdrawing my account and Florita has $5000 there with both our names on it. Very tempting. So, today my good friend ECSS says to me something about closing both accounts. And I ask her, "Do you mean Florita's account? Let me tell you about that account."

She says to me, "You have $6700 in your other account, why don't we transfer the $154 to this account and close them after that?" So I explain ONCE AGAIN that I DO NOT know Florita McNeely and I have no idea why I am a user on her account. And I do not want to go to jail for stealing her money, which in my mind and heart that's what that would be. It has been very tempting to see my account overdrawn and all this money that is not mine sitting there accessible to me. I tell her that both my friends at Barter Hun and Ms. McNeely should thank Jesus everyday that an honest person who tries very hard to be a good Christian is the random stranger who is on her account. And then I ask her if she can remove me from Florita McNeely's account, seeing how I don't know her and all and I suspect that I do not have an anonymous benefactor like Pip from Great Expectations. And, of course, she reminds me that only Florita herself can remove me. I am suspecting when I do finally manage to get this account closed that I will receive a cashier's check for poor Florita's balance. But I've done all that I can do. Thinking about it, I probably should've let her move the money and then I'm sure Florita would've had words with them. But it wasn't right. They are idiots and I don't think I've ever been so glad to be closing a bank account. It's always a little sad to leave your long-time bank. I have had an account with them for 7 years and have only had trouble since this outfit out of Rhode Island took over in the last year.

All I know is that when I got off the phone, the girl in the office across the hall from me says, "Could you please tell me what bank that was? Because I'm writing it down and never, ever banking there."

posted by Laura at 10:03 PM