Does anybody read these?

Well, that was interesting...

So, my boss finally got back to work today. Now, you'll remember I hadn't told my team that I was leaving because we were supposed to sit down and have a meeting and realign everyone's work plans to cover the gap. Anyhow, my boss has been off sick for the last week and a half, and I hadn't told them because I thought we were still doing that. Well, today she finally came back and basically all she told them was that I was leaving and that they'd figure out all the work tasks later and such. Now, I know she is sick, but I could've done that weeks ago and not had it sprung on them. Oh well, I feel really bad about it. They seem upset that I am leaving. The reality is that for months I haven't really had much to do because they haven't given me anything new knowing I was leaving. So, there isn't even that much to have them pick up. They are already doing it all. They will be just fine without me. If they weren't, I am sure that I would still be here.

I am upset thinking about the looks on their faces. I am upset that she told them it was my idea to not tell them until today. Yeah, I delayed it, but because we had a plan that didn't happen. If I'd have known we weren't going to do it the way that was planned it wouldn't have gone down that way. So, for the first time since I found out I had to leave, I am upset. I am upset because these are three people I care about, and I feel like I hosed them. And, of course, I got blamed for it. Really, I should be even happier, confirming just one more time that I have been doing the right thing, planning to leave. But I don't like to hurt people I care about, even unintentionally. And she makes it sound like it's been months that I've known that January 13 was my last day. It hasn't been. I found out right before Christmas. Merry Effing Christmas to me, remember?

So today I'm sad about this whole job thing. Not because I've lost my job. Not because I don't know how I'm going to make it. I've got that down-pat. That's going to be fine. I'm sad because I unintentionally hosed people. Great, wonderful people.

But really I don't get why I'm supposed to be sad. I've been looking for a job for months. I love the people here. I loved being home. But this isn't where I need to be. It doesn't fit into my career goals. I am excited. I'm very excited. For the first time in my 30 years, I feel like I know where my life is going. All my hopes and dreams are within reach and I'm grabbing until I get them. And I'm excited about it. I wasn't ever going to be happy here because I wasn't ever going to feel that way here. And my boss knew this. Because remember the original deal? The deal was that I was going to Nashville at the end of February and I'd have to leave work then. She knew that. That was the deal. She's the one who came up with this January 13 date at the end of the year. I'm just not sure she listens to a word I say. Oh well. So, aside from work ending earlier than we'd originally planned and me getting a bigger headstart on my move and going to get my hopes and dreams, nothing really changed. So, why wouldn't I be excited.

I'm not sad that my job has ended. Once again, I will say: God let me out of this situation so I could look for a job without guilt. I believe that with all my heart and soul. I am sad that I feel like I've let down my co-workers, but really I wasn't doing much to support them besides being here anyhow. I will miss them very much. I hope that they didn't think I was being callous by being excited. I hope they know that I have shed tears for them. I am sad to leave them, and if any of them ever wanted a job in Nashville I'd do whatever I could for them. There is just no point in shedding tears for an opportunity that is done, that has run its course.

Or maybe I'm just a big, giant bitch. I don't know.

posted by Laura at 8:44 AM