Does anybody read these?

On my turf*

Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Ninety-nine percent of the time, I'm inclined to think is true. Lately, however, I've been seriously rethinking that statement.

You see, I'm sitting here realizing that it's just about six months from the day that I walked away from a group of my friends. It was probably one of the hardest things that I've ever done in my life. I truly treasured these friends, but things were said and feelings were hurt, and frankly I realized it was time to cut my losses and walk away. I was absolutely devastated at the time. In the short time I'd known these women, I'd grown very close to them. I truly thought of them like sisters. But the quarrel that ended it all was not sisters fighting over a sweater. I won't ever forget things that were said and even if apologies had been offered, while forgiveness would be given, I don't think there was anything that would make me trust them and be friends with them again.

I've stopped being friends with people in the past for one reason or another. Sometimes friendships fizzle or run their course. Sometimes there are arguments that result in a break-up between friends. It happens. Yeah, it sucks. But you move on.

Or at least you try to. I know in this case, just like all the other times, I've tried to. I am doing great in my life. I have a good group of friends, both new and old, who care about me very much. You see, I suspected that this friendship was not going well long before I was actually told that my presence was no longer requested. And some of my nearest and dearest friends were here for me. I am so grateful to them for listening to me bitch and moan and cry about all this. It didn't affect them, but they love me and they were here for me. I've learned so much about friendship in the last few months. I believe that even the worst experiences in life are valuable if we learn from them. And trust me, I've learned enough to write a book from this whole situation.

Until now, I've never met anyone that I truly regretted allowing into my life, that I've regretted being friends with and loving. And at one point in my life I loved one of the meanest, most egotistical jerks in the history of the world. And I don't even regret him being in my life, because I learned from it and I grew and a lot of who I am today is because of who I was with him. I'm not saying I haven't learned from this. I have. But for the first time in my life, I am truly, honestly regretting that some people were in it. And that breaks my heart.

You see, it's been six months. And while I've moved on and really have no place for this silliness in my life, I can't get away from it. Folks just won't move on. They visit here several times a day. They trash me on their web site and generally to anyone who will listen. Whatever, I've learned to deal with that. They are kind of like a little fly that flies around your head and you keep swatting, but can't quite get it with the flyswatter. Just an annoyance that you pray will get bored with you and move on.

But my new friends did nothing to deserve their ridicule. All my friends have done is love me. That isn't going to change. My friends don't need emails and messages and to be have their names dragged in the mud and to be made fun of. They did NOTHING to you. Hell, I didn't even do anything to you except stop playing the games.

It's over. It's not ever going to change. You have your lives, which -- believe it or not -- I don't care about. I have my life, which you apparently care about but really is not your concern. We're never going to see eye to eye. I'm not coming back and begging to be your friend. I'm not ever standing here with open arms waiting for you. It's done.

It's been six months. It's sad and pathetic that you're still hanging on for one reason or another. So, today on this six-month anniversary, I'd like to call a truce. Honestly, you deserve better than to let your anger hold you back like this. Trust me, I know. As soon as I put it on a shelf, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and my life is great. It doesn't hold me back. The only reason I'm thinking about it now is because it's become an issue for my friends. That's not cool. If you had friends other than your little group, I still wouldn't harrass them. It's no one else's fight. Hell, it's not even a fight. It's done. Our friendship ran its course. It happens. There wasn't anything any of us could do about it or we would've done it. It's fine that we don't want to be friends. It happens.

I pray everyday that God will heal your hearts and help you to move on. I really do want you to have all you deserve in life. I don't want to regret our friendship, but every day it goes on, the more I feel like I have no choice.

It's been six months. Really, isn't that enough? Please just do yourself a favor. Put it in God's hands to heal your hearts and go on with your lives. I'm sure you have plenty of better things to do with your lives.

I'm not going to be mean anymore, even though folks keep poking a stick in my cage and agitating me. It's so not worth it. God, I was embarrassed as hell (for both me and you) when I realized it's really been six months. I just don't want to look back in six more months, or a year, or 20 years and be ashamed of my behavior, regret our friendship or wonder why I've wasted more time being bitter. And I do love you, and I want that for you too. Honestly, you all deserve to be happy, and I can't see how you can be while you're holding on to all this pent-up anger and resentment.

I've made an effort. I'll keep praying. But really that's all I can do if you don't want to help yourselves.

* I debated where to put this post. I had several options. I'm putting it here because I know the folks who need to see it will see it here. And here I don't have to worry about my words being twisted and manipulated as they have been in the past. I also don't want to cause unnecessary drama anywhere else. My loyal readers are used to drama.

posted by Laura at 8:35 PM