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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Damned if I do, damned if I don't...

Sometimes I write things and they never get published here on the blog. I have written several things for the blog that have never made the final cut, for one reason or another. Perhaps that's what I should've done this morning.

Because the second that I posted that entry, I kind of wished I hadn't. Partly because I went about things all wrong, and partly because I acted in haste. I just went with my gut reaction instead of thinking things through. That's generally never a good thing. Had I put some more thought into it, maybe I'd have reacted differently.

I spent a lot of today thinking about that e-mail and what I was going to do about it. Even though my first thought was what y'all saw, the more I thought about it the more conflicted I was. I think part of the reason I got pissed was because I didn't know what to do -- there was no clear-cut answer.

A huge part of me wanted to go. It's hard not to miss someone you cared about so much. But I think that part of me thought that we'd pick up where we left off and everything would be OK. And honestly, that's why I'm so conflicted, because I doubt that can ever happen. Somedays I'd like to hear the other side of the story and see if maybe there is some middle ground, even though most days that seems absolutely hopeless. I just don't know whom or what to believe, and I'm so gun-shy about trusting people that it's not funny. There are plenty of days that I do think that maybe it'd be best to hash things out, so maybe I should've just accepted that offer. I guess I'm just sick of getting blind-sided.

I've been hurt so much. And it seems like whenever the hurting ends, something causes it to resurface. I wish I had the answers. I wish there were ever a time when I knew what the right answer was, but it's been a long time since I felt that way about this.

Apparently after my little rant the offer has been rescinded, so all of this is moot. Maybe deep down people do care about me, somehow, some way... So, yeah, in a way I was an asshole, and apparently I ended up hurting someone that I really thought didn't even care. That wasn't very nice of me. Especially because this last note seemed to be sincere. Well, another case of a day late and a dollar short, I guess.

And actually, just for the record, I'm a big fan of lattes...

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