Does anybody read these?

The skinny of it all...

This is probably the most truth you'll ever read here. Last night, continuing in to this morning, I had a moment of realization, and I felt the urge to write about it. There are a lot of things that run through my brain that all of you are never privy to, for one reason or another. But this is bothering me, and I think it'll help me to talk about it, and frankly y'all are just reading my diary anyhow. What did you really expect?

I think I've mentioned in the past that I have an eating disorder. First of all, I want to give a little background on that. To clarify, the only time I've ever used the word anorexia here is when talking about someone else (Nicole Richie comes to mind). Because I am not anorexic. Anyone who read what I said here and assumed that was the eating disorder I had is very ignorant to the types of eating disorders. And frankly, those of you who personally know me would be quite stupid to assume that. Not to say that they're aren't overweight recovering anorexics; I'm sure there are. I have just never had trouble with not eating. (Actually, that's not true, but that's also a whole 'nother therapy session.)

For many years, I've had what's called compulsive overeating disorder. I'm not going to get in to all the specifics of the disease, but I will give you the Reader's Digest version, because that will help you understand where I'm coming from and the big hurdles I have to overcome now. I don't want anyone to feel like they were responsible for my illness because I had a lot of factors that contributed to it. My genetic disposition to addictive behaviors was definitely part of it. I come from a family with a history of alcoholism and other compulsions, so the wiring for some type of mental disorder was there. When I was growing up, I was exposed to a relative who hid food. I'm not sure if she has COE or not. I think she mostly did it because she didn't want to share. However, it got in my brain that was acceptable behavior. I was born with a physical disability and I wasn't particularly mobile until grade school, so that didn't help either. I excelled academically, but I wasn't very physically active, so I was always chubby growing up.

And then, there's always a trigger. And this is the part I'm pretty sure that no one here knows about.

I was still the chubby kid when I hit puberty, and I went from being the chubby kid to a teenager in a woman's body. Then I decided to pretty much starve myself in my early teenage years. Even though I looked more grown-up than anyone else my age, I had slimmed down to the point where I looked curvy and pretty good. I wasn't ever going to be tiny, but that's OK. Curves are not a bad thing.

So, I attracted the attention of boys. It wasn't all bad, but it definitely wasn't all good, either. To make a very long, sordid story short, I probably attracted a little too much attention and things happened that probably shouldn't have. Things really got blown out of proportion and I felt helpless.

I did the only thing that I really knew how to do. I ate. At first, I ate because I have a compulsion to eat. I'm addicted to food. But then I realized that the more I ate, the fatter I became and the less attention that I got from men. So, I buried myself in a layer of fat. I lived like that for many years, completely content with being overweight and being alone.

Because of that, I pursue relationships bass-ackwards, so to speak. I generally fall head over heels for male friends who think of me as one of the guys. I'm not ever going to just pursue someone with the explicit purpose of dating them ever again, because I know how that turned out last time. And, of course, even when I do like a guy and send off those signals, he misses it, because I'm the girl you drink a Miller Lite and watch college football with.

You see, as long as I'm fat, in my mind I'm unattractive to guys. I'm not sure if that's true or not. One of my friends is very good at reminding me that perhaps my self-esteem being in the toilet does not help me be attractive to men, because self-confidence is sexy. I've also been told I give off a vibe of being unapproachable to men. Most nights when I'm out with my friends (Kay and Alexis will vouch for me.) I don't feel unapproachable, although it's not exactly my caliber of men who are approaching me.

I still hide under the fat. A few years ago, I started to lose weight for medical reasons. I was killing myself being fat, and I knew it. I finally wanted to not look like a beach ball with hair, so I started to lose weight. And I did well. Because when you have an addictive personality, you can switch from being addicted to White Castle and Hershey's bars to being addicted to water and power bars and the treadmill. I just took all my OCD behavior and put it toward getting fit, and I kicked ass at weight loss. I went to the gym every day for at least an hour and watched my calories religiously, and I lost about 60 pounds. According to my personal trainer, I wasn't too far from my goal.

And then the compliments started coming in. People started telling me I was attractive. Guys started hitting on me. And I started to put the weight back on, little by little. I've gained back about 30 pounds, but I feel like it was 130. I feel unbelievably fat and unattractive.

Which is where I was last night. I was in bed about to drift off to sleep, lamenting the fact that I am perpetually single when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Did I really think that anyone else wanted to be in bed with me? Because seriously, it's not pretty when my clothes are on, but when they're off, it's awful. And I know it, and part of me wants to work really hard and lose the weight, but part of me is terrified. There are millions of people much more obese than I am, but that doesn't matter to me. I hate being fat.

Of course, I know that part of this is precipitated by the fact that I am very much in like with someone right now. And every time I really like someone I get this way. You see, I don't want a stranger to notice my body, but once I trust a guy then I feel the urge to lose weight to be more attractive to him. But you see where this is going ... I lose the weight because I like a guy, then he thinks that I'm just one of the guys and moves on to someone that he'd rather date, and then I gain it all back again. This has happened time and time again. So, why do I do it?

Because if I trust a guy and want to be with him, I can take off the fat wall. It's just too bad that it'll take months, if not years, to get the fat wall off. And when you like someone, you don't always have that kind of time. No one wants to be single, including the guy you like, and while you're trying really hard (OK, Christmas cookies, maybe not really hard) to lose weight, he's off trying to figure out whom he'd like to go out with. And, of course, because I'm terrified of rejection and know he couldn't possibly like me because I'm fat, I'm not going to say anything, even if it means losing something that could be really great.

In my brain, it all has to do with being fat. Even though I hate it now, that was my original plan: to bury all my emotions and relationships under being fat, to put up a big wall to protect myself. It could be millions of other things. It could be the age difference or the fact that I can't stand Rush Limbaugh and think that any couple should be allowed to get married, regardless of sexual orientation. I drink like a fish, and he doesn't see the point. There are other things too, but I'm not sure exactly how much I should say here. But even with all the differences, we're pretty similar in our beliefs, our devotion to family and values.

All I can hear, see or think is that it has to do with me being fat, regardless of what reality might be. (And not like I'll find out anyway, because that'd require me to actually try to pursue a relationship with someone and I suck at that. I am no good at putting myself on the line. At all.)

So, here I am, another Monday morning. I have my water and I just had some cheese and crackers someone brought in for breakfast. I don't have time to work out today, but it's on my schedule for tomorrow. Because today I want to get obsessed again, and get out from under this monster I've created. Part of me wants to tell him to wait for me if he can't stand the thought of being with me now. And I know that might not be the case, but in my mind it is. It always is.

I have no idea what to do. I have no idea where to start. I have no idea how the story will end, nor do I know where it begins. All I know is that I've never wanted something so much before in my life. I don't know if that's being thin, being happy or seeing someone's smiling face every morning when I wake up, but I suspect it's a combination of all three.

And yes, I know that being thin would not cure all my problems. I know that it's not a magical cure-all, but this wall that I put up between people has to go, and I really need to stop taking all my fears, anger and frustrations out on myself.

I guess I'm just hoping that maybe someone here has some advice for me. Or maybe just getting it out in the open will help. Because something's got to give.

posted by Laura at 10:26 AM