Does anybody read these?

Sanity break

I've got plenty of work to do today, but I can't think. I'm sure it's partly because I'm battling off a cold rather unsuccessfully. I'm sure it's partly because I tossed and turned all night. But it's mostly because I want to run from the building screaming. That is, when I don't want to cry.

I know that I'm supposed to pretend that I'm strong and that I'm not upset and that I'm moving on and blah blah blah. I know I probably look desperate and pathetic, but I don't care.

You see, I have a friend who's miserable and hurting. And that hurts me. It especially hurts me because I feel like I know how to fix it, and I get rebuked. I feel like it's a matter that's no longer open to discussion.

And that sucks, because the discussion in my brain? It never fucking ends.

A big part of me believes that the answer is no because the interest is not there. Because to him, I'm not worth fighting for. I'm not worth the effort. And yeah, that smarts just a little. Every girl wants to be worth it.

A lot of me just wants to say, "He doesn't like you. There's nothing you can do about it. Move the fuck on."

But I know he likes me. Even Saturday, as pissy as I was and as much as I wanted to kick him in the balls, I knew he liked me. It's in the way his voice sounds when he talks to me (and really that's a stretch to remember because God knows the last time he called); it's in the way he acts when we're standing in the same room.

But you know what else he likes?

Success.

He doesn't fail. Or at least he doesn't try to. I've never known him to go into a situation where he didn't have a plan on exactly how he was going to win.

Trust me, I don't know if anyone can "win" in this situation. Not in the long run, anyhow. I don't know if we could make it work. No one does. No one goes into a relationship thinking it's going to fail. But most people put the need to be happy first. And sometimes you succeed in the long run, sometimes you don't. But whatever it is, it is. You just have to try. You can't walk away from something great because you might fail at it. Because at least for a little while, you might be the happiest person on earth. And let me tell you, there were plenty of late nights at the Hillwood Strike & Spare when I felt like I was the happiest person on earth. Yes, even though I was wearing shoes that thousands of people had worn before me. I tried not to think about the germs and focused my thoughts on the adorable person who was so amused by my bowling skills ... and checking out my ass in my jeans.

If you want to be happy, you have to make being happy a priority. It has to rank up there with family, friends and work. I used to be a workaholic. I used to put in 12 hour days and leave my cell phone on when I wasn't there. I used to have the highest productivity rate of anyone in my office. I went the extra mile. And at night, I went home to an empty house and ate a lean cuisine by myself watching TV. I went to sleep alone every night and did it again the next day.

And you know what? When it came time to make cuts I was still expendable. Frankly, I think they found it easier to let me go because I didn't have a mortgage or a family or even a dog. That changed my whole perspective. Not that I wish being unemployed on anyone, because it blows. But when you wake up, put your best suit on and go to work only to hear them tell you that your services are no longer required, it makes you realize that work is just work.

But in life and love, people are not so easily replaced. So, you have to focus on what's going to be there in the long run. If work makes you happy, then, by all means, dive into your work and be happy at it. But if work makes you miserable and you are still putting it first and being miserable at life too? Well, then fuck it. Don't quit, but don't let it take priority over everything else.

Maybe it's easier said than done. Maybe it's a lesson you learn as you get older. After all, it's not one I learned until I was closer to 30 than I was to 20. Of course, I haven't learned it 100% yet or I would've told Geoffrey the Giraffe to shove it a few months ago. Maybe that's why the whole thing pisses me off. The only thing worse than letting work take priority over the rest of your life and your happiness is letting a shitty part-time job you don't need do that.

I'm not saying we should all be slackers. We shouldn't. We just can't be married to our jobs.

Mostly because our jobs don't keep us warm on cold Tennessee winter nights, and isn't that the best part of being married?

Song of the day: "You win, I win, We lose," by Kenny Chesney.

posted by Laura at 11:07 AM