Does anybody read these?

Today's forecast: Gloomy.

It's freezing here today. I'm going back and forth between going out and braving the cold and eating something disastrously bad for me or just sitting here at my desk never eating again. It's too close to payday to eat out, really, so I toyed with the idea of going home for lunch. And then I realized if I go home for lunch, I am climbing in my bed with a box of Kleenex and not getting out for three days. No, there is no time for a nervous breakdown, so I must soldier on. But will I do it without or without something, anything, to eat.

I'm thinking about one of my favorite quotes from Bridget Jones's Diary right now: "I choose vodka. And Chaka Khan."

I'm trying to pinpoint the exact moment when I started to stop caring. Have you ever gotten to the point where you've cared so much that you wake up one day and realize you're completely done caring? I think perhaps it is a self-defense mechanism. And frankly, it's time to put the armor on and build up the walls. It works so well for other people.

I'd much rather look like a trusty palace guard than the court jester any day.

So, yes, indeed it's a gloomy day here in frigid Tennessee. Part of me wants to dissect the whole sordid mess and retrace all my steps. But we all know there's no point in the "coulda-shoulda-wouldas" in life. The past is done, and the future is not guaranteed. All we have is today.

And today, I'd like to find my inner bitch and let her hang out for a while.

When I started this post, I was going to have some sad-sack commentary on the fundamental differences between women and men and why I'm content being single (not a sad sack at all. See!) and why I think that, for me, the concept of love is unreachable and absolutely, positively pointless. I don't mean love with friends and family. I've got that down pat. I'm full of love, which could be part of the problem.

Recently someone accused me of trying too hard to find love, and that kind of pissed me off. Because I'm never just out there looking. It's not that I wouldn't like to be married, because I think it's probably a great gig if it works. Kids would be neat, too. I just don't see that happening for me. I've never been loved unconditionally by someone in that way, and I just can't imagine anyone ever thinking that I'm worth it so much that they wanted to spend eternity with me. (And yes, most days I include myself in the list of people who don't think I'm worth it. Why would I when I've got people telling me I'm not?) I've never been first in anyone's life, and that's OK. Really, it is. There are lots of plusses to being single. But I thought it was funny that when I did find something that I thought was worth pursuing that I came off as "always looking." Hell, I haven't looked in years. Then someone stumbles into my life and I don't want to let go, and I'm "always looking." Hell, no wonder I can't figure out this love shit.

I'm not always looking. In fact, I'm never looking at all, which is probably why one of the few times I have an opportunity I don't even know that's what it is. Oops.

Sometimes in your life you just see a spark, and you feel like you should keep an eye on it and see if a fire ignites. Sometimes it does, and other times the spark just falls on the ground and goes dark. And that right there, is why it sucks. That's what makes it not worth it.

I'm just tired of the "tortured soul" routine. It's got to end. It's not very becoming, and I think I'm starting to annoy people. So, I woke up today and decided that I'll try to turn it off. We'll see how today goes. If I live, then we'll try again tomorrow.

Maybe at some point, it'll all fade off into the distance as a memory. Right now, the wounds are too fresh and the ghosts are too noisy. But I'm working on that. I decided yesterday that I need to do whatever I can to get out of the place that hashes it all back up every time I go there. Seriously, I'm fine until I have to go back to that insane hell where there are memories in every room, where things make me smile and then reduce me to tears.

If I've learned nothing else lately, it's that sometimes you just have to know when to say "when."

posted by Laura at 12:01 PM