Does anybody read these?

Stalkers?

According to my ticker, it is 6 months, 3 weeks and 4 days until our trip. All I really know is that I just wrote the biggest check that I have written since college.

Anyhow, I wrote the big, giant check, and then I photocopied it. As I was walking back to my desk to put it in the envelope I looked down at it one more time.

As I looked at the half-naked man sitting on a boat staring back at me, I thought: "Oh, shit." There was no time to run out and get new checks. If I weren't buying some time until paypal put the money in my account for the last two deposit checks from my fellow travelers, I'd have rushed off to get a money order.

Yes, this situation was just that serious.

You see, I opened my bank account around the first time that we ordered cups, and I had tons of checks from people all over America, all big enough fans of the Pretty Princess to order cups to take to their tailgate parties. Anyhow, a lot of people had those checks with pictures of the Pretty Princess down in paradise. The paradise where he lives half the year. The paradise where we're going on vacation.

The girl at the bank and I joked about the checks. And when she pointed out that I could order some, maybe it was deliriousness or maybe it was because she had Tim McGraw checks and made it sound OK, but next thing I knew I was the proud owner of my own Pretty Princess checks, and it was all a joke. Hee hee, funny, funny. Pretty Princess checks.

The Pretty Princess and the locals are not big fans of folks who come to paradise to stalk him, and rightly so. I will say that my interest was piqued after I saw the beautiful pictures down there from his visits. The CD that he sang didn't help.

Let's make one thing clear: I don't stalk the Pretty Princess. Not one little bit. In fact, when I saw him at the grocery store the other night, I didn't say a word. You know me and my celebrity sightings: I'm always on slow-mo. I saw him, he smiled nervously and I went on my way. He was long out of the store before I realized who it was. But if I were going to stalk him, I'd do it here rather than spend thousands of dollars to fly thousands of miles away and waste a perfectly good vacation.

Yet, with my stupid ass, ha-ha Pretty Princess checks, I felt like a super stalker. I felt like those crazy assholes who do fly down to the Virgin Islands and only hang out in his hang outs and try to snorkel in to his private development where his house is. None of that appeals to me. Once again, this is my agenda for vacation.

1. Wake up
2. Morning run on beach
3. Float in pool and take in rays, preferably while drinking
4. Go to beach with book, iPod full of Marley and Buffett (no Pretty Princess), and rum
5. Eat, preferably seafood
6. Go to bar and dance with hot boys, preferably while drinking
7. Sleep

Repeat daily.

Notice that my agenda is very full. No time for stalking of any sort.

Maybe Peggy will just see my check and chuckle like most people do. I'll pretend I was not mortified and blame the temporary check-selection delusion on the booze.

And if I am a stalker, I sure hope that he comes by this hammock right here and makes it easy on me, because that's where I'll be all week.

Wow. I'm such a lazy stalker.

posted by Laura at 9:48 AM