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Saturday, April 14, 2007


I had all these updates for you planned, and then life came along and hit me with a baseball bat. Thursday, which could've been a great night to get caught up here at the house, ended up being an evening of me getting ridiculously drunk, not remembering any of it and spending time yesterday cleaning barf out of Kay's car.

But after I stopped puking some time Friday evening, I felt a lot better.

Now, I don't advocate binge drinking. At all. I shouldn't have done it, and I know that it's not the reason that I feel better about my situation. I know you shouldn't use alcohol to cope, and I try not to. However, the good thing about not remembering an entire evening is that at some point you forget the reason you were drinking, even if it had made you cry for about 20 hours straight before you picked up the glass.

I don't feel like it's my place to tell you exactly what prompted the world's biggest bender. It involves people other than little ol' me, and I just don't feel like it's my place. I struggle, because it was a huge thing in my life, to learn that something was completely and totally not what I thought it was, for a very long time. I was embarrassed that I spent all that time not knowing. I felt a little like I was a big experiment, and that made me feel a little used. And lastly, I was pissed that no matter what I do, I can't change the situation.

In some ways, I feel like I opened Pandora's box. Maybe ignorance is bliss. The only reason that I even attempted to say anything was because I had a guilty conscience and felt like I needed to apologize. But let's be honest, when we do that it's because we want everything to be on our terms. Maybe I freaked out a little, when it wasn't.

Maybe things will be fine in the long run. They won't ever be the same, but maybe they'll be fine. Maybe I can stop blaming myself for things completely and totally out of my control. Honestly, I should be flattered.

Maybe someone, somewhere will quiet this nagging fear that I'm going to end up all alone. Maybe. I think that's the biggest issue. It's just one more person to cross off the list.

But I guess knowing that you're going to end up all alone is much better than making plans for the future with someone who can't ever be there for you, no matter what.

Or at least that's what everyone keeps telling me.

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