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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Three little birds

My favorite Bob Marley song is "Three Little Birds." You know, the one with the catchy chorus: "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright."

And, it is.

I am going to say something about my life here, and I would like everyone to refrain from any commentary, no matter how tempting it is. I know lots of folks have things to say, but this is my blog, and I get to be in charge.

Last night, Chris tells me that Lisa brought Shelby over to OUR friends' house after work so she could play with the kids and they could talk. You know, to see if they could peacefully co-exist. Or at least that's what the crazy kids are calling it today.

I got pissed because those are people who are supposed to be my friends, too, and that embarrassed me. It's like everyone else knows where I stand, but I don't. (He says that's not true.) And, honestly, I don't like the three of them trying to be a family again, but that's just me being selfish.

He and I argued about this a little bit and then he says to me: "I want things to work out with her more than anything, but I don't want to hurt you."

Well, anyone who's read my blog more than four seconds knows that I am not anyone's plan B. I have been there and done that, and I just am not going back there again. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. Life's too freaking short.

So, I call him. And I tell him that if he wants to be with her and I am holding him back from all his hopes and dreams, that he can just go.

And he tells me that things aren't going to work with her, he's not going anywhere, and I make him happy.

That's all pretty confusing, and I still feel a little like I am being strung along to some extent. But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything will be OK.

Some people don't understand why we are together. They think we are too different. And sometimes I wonder myself, but love trumps the fact that he didn't go to college and is a little rough around the edges. He has treated me well, and that counts for a lot. For every minus, there is a plus.

I do worry that I am not Lisa and won't ever be good enough. I do worry that he is just holding onto me so that if Lisa doesn't do all the things that she's promised, he won't be alone.

Or I could worry about all that stuff, but I'm not going to anymore. If it works out, then that is great. I am sure we'll be happy. If it doesn't, then it means that maybe he didn't really want to be with me or maybe our differences were too strong. But there is no point in worrying about that unless it happens.

And, even then, why worry? Why worry if your heart is free to pursue your true hopes and dreams. (Not that mine will be. I'm putting the wall back up. But that's OK, too.)

I'm not worrying. I'm focusing on today, because that's all I really have. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not guaranteed. I am going to spend time with him and Shelby while I still can. If that goes away, well then, I will be OK. I don't know if he'll be OK if he goes back to Lisa, but that is not my problem if he leaves. Much like I can't live in fear of Shelby falling down the steps or burning herself on the fireplace, I can't live in fear of him getting back in a toxic relationship and letting her hurt him again. He knows I won't hurt him, and he has to make his choice.

Maybe I should just walk away, but I don't want to. Obviously, he doesn't want to either, and that helps me sleep at night.

We'll see what the future holds. Whatever it is, it will be the right thing.

Every little thing is gonna be alright ...

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