Does anybody read these?

Trying...

Yesterday was pretty rough. It was awful.

I was supposed to be in Detroit visiting with my friends. It was Jamie's birthday. We were going to have fun, and I was going to forget that my life here is unraveling at the seams.

But our trip never happened. It's OK and some things are more important than me going to National Coney Island with my friends late at night. Sometimes life happens.

But this was not the weekend for life to happen to me.

So, I spent two whole days sitting in my living room chair crying. I finally ate lunch yesterday. And even though I didn't have to make fast food, I had hamburger and fresh potatoes, so I made cheeseburgers and fries. They were pretty good too.

I drank, I cried, I watched a lot of Sex and the City reruns. (Ashley suggested that. Apparently when your relationship is shitty, their screwed up personal lives will cheer you up. This is true, although I'm beginning to realize I am just as neurotic as Carrie Bradshaw, only with cheap shoes.)

Finally, some friends drug me out to go bowling. They said I needed to get out of the house. These were friends I had through Chris, so I figured this was just going to be a pity party.

So, I drove out to Dickson, and I only cried once. I had to call Chris because I couldn't get my car to start. He fixed it in about 40 seconds once he took my call. I was trying to be cordial, because in my mind I was supposed to give him space.

Let's just say he and I fought. He says he was mad that I didn't ask him and Shelby to do something when he got off work. That ball was in his court. I'm not the one who's confused, but I will be if I keep acting like there's nothing wrong.

In some ways I wish he would've left me in the dark and blindsided me if necessary. This just sucks. I still have hope that it'll be OK in the end, but I am not sure. Mostly I just secretly hope I will get hit by a truck so all of this isn't painful.

The way I look at it, I really can't "win." Because either he picks me and I spend my whole life with my "I'm Not Lisa" (do you know that Jessi Colter song?) worries, or he doesn't pick me. Either way, life sucks a little (or probably a lot).

But I can't worry about what may or may not happen. I can't mourn a relationship that's not yet dead (although I can't help by be offended and hurt that he is even giving this any consideration, considering that I am good to him and she had him put in jail). So, I'm trying to not to be hurt and offended, and I guess today we're going to the park. Although it's only 9:45, and I'm already a little pissed off.

See why I wish he'd have just not told me anything and just let me know when he was done with his deciding? It's like he's changed the dynamics of our relationship.

Honestly, I feel like I am going to invest more time and do everything right and love them and then all Lisa has to do is get a job.

Despite all the nightmares and the $10,000 in legal bills, all Lisa has to do is get a job.

I've put up with so much because of her. The temper tantrums, the nightmares, the tears. And now she's trying to ruin his life again.

I've never in all my 33 years, hated anyone before. And I hate Lisa with all the marrow in my bones. She's not a good mother, she doesn't love Chris and she is the shittiest wife in the history of shitty wives.

And, really, someone needs to teach her that she needs to be nice to other people. No one needs to enable her bull shit.

But whatever, it's not my decision. I'm just the person who's most likely going to get the short end of the stick.

It's all going to work out like it's supposed to. I'm going to try while I still can. I wish I could sabotage Lisa's job search the way that she's sabotaged Chris' with all her bull shit.

So, today we're going to the park. We're trying to coordinate our schedules, but I remember that just a few weeks ago, we just had one schedule. I'm not sure whether to take pictures. I don't want it to be like that Brad Paisley song ("Who Needs Pictures").

I just can't help but think that not getting our dream house a few weeks ago was a sign. Because there we were, so happy the real estate agent kept commenting on what a cute couple we were, and we said "If we don't get this house, then it just means it wasn't meant to be." At the time I meant the house, but now I'm thinking it's probably good that I didn't commit to live in HIS town for the next three to 30 years of my life.

It's probably for the best. The reason I wrote this post was because I just heard Reba sing "And Still" on CMT when I turned the TV on.

Maybe I should stick with Sex and the City reruns.

posted by Laura at 9:30 AM