Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Getting better?

I think things are going to get better, finally.

I talked to Chris' mom, and she said he told her that we had sent some messages back and forth yesterday, but he didn't seem upset. That was good to hear. Because even though I've been hurt, I don't ever want him to hate me. I just want us to remember the best nine months of our lives.

I was just thinking about when I almost bought the house last month. I said to him, "If I get this house, I have to stay there for three years or pay the tax refund back. Are you sure we can make it for at least three years?"

Then he asked me if I loved him, and when I said yes, he said he wasn't going anywhere and kissed me.

I don't know what is making me remember that right now. I threw everything from the bank, Realtor, etc out the day I took all their stuff back. The last day I looked at the real estate listings was Aug. 19, and I remember that because Chris and I were going to go look at a house, but the person never called back. Which was probably good, because it was on the way home from Ruth's house that he told me he was still giving thought to getting back from Lisa.

And, of course, it's only got worse from there.

But I realized today that one of three things is going to happen here.

1. Chris is going to come back and we can start over if we want to.
2. Chris is not going to come back and I'm going to start to forget all the pain.
3. Someone else even better is going to come along (he just better not have kids, and have a big ice pick to get in)

I think everyone knows that at some point, Chris and Lisa are going to call this whole thing off. Because Chris and Lisa have called it off seven times since high school. Really, the question is just whether or not it's going to be too late for us.

If he even wants to have an us, because he was not nice yesterday.

I am going to Dixie's pageant tonight. I know that everyone thinks I am crazy, but Karen is my friend, and she wants me there. I didn't do anything wrong, and last time I checked it was a free country.

Maybe it's not the best for my healing, but I know that seeing Shelby has to be part of my healing, and if I can just hold on a few more days, I will get to spend my Saturday with Miss Shelby. Not saying goodbye to that child has killed me. I really think that's my biggest problem at this point.

I'm still sad. I'm still crying. But I did some really great stuff at work today, and considering my brain has been like cotton candy for two weeks, that's pretty impressive to me.

And, I prayed last night, and God did help me. I know God has a plan, and He is not going to give me anything I can't handle. My mom, who doesn't believe that Chris is coming back or that I should even consider it if he did, said that every mom needs a break, and I am just getting mine. Maybe we just need to regroup and figure things out. Or maybe I'm just getting a break before I embark on my next big adventure.

Keep praying, and I'll just take it one day at a time.

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