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Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Hang ups

I hung up on my mom today. I've never done that before.

But telling me that Chris was probably just using me to get Lisa back was not the appropriate thing to say.

I know you all have your own opinions of my relationship, and that's fine. But this situation is so effed up that I'd venture a guess that NONE of the people doling out advice have ever experienced anything quite like this.

It doesn't matter, though. Chris spends all his time with Lisa, and she's what he wants. It's screwed up, and he's going to be miserable, but that's not my problem.

Or at least that's what I'm currently telling myself in whatever stage of grief that I am in.

I don't believe that he's coming back. At least not in a reasonable amount of time, which means when he does come back (because let's be honest, we all know this isn't going to be lucky try number seven), it's probably going to be too late. That's unfortunate, but let him learn the hard way. Let his only chance at true love ever walk right out the door.

Maybe he'll find someone else to take care of his kid, make his breakfast and do his laundry. God knows it won't ever be his wife.

But, then again, not my problem.

So, since I've made my peace with the fact that I've been left and my life is changing forever, I need to make my peace with just one more thing: I need to say goodbye to Shelby Jean.

Yes, I understand that this could make it worse and "set back" my recovery. I understand this because people who have never been in this situation tell me this.

But, let me tell you, what's haunting me right now is thinking that I'm never going to see that baby again, that I'm never going to get to hold her and kiss her just one more time and tell her I love her. After nine months of me raising her, I think we both deserve that.

And, yes, I understand she's only two years old and probably has no idea what's going on. God knows that Chris' nieces have not figured out why "Uncle Buddy" is never with Laura and she cries all the time. They're little kids.

I have said goodbye to Chris, even though he didn't act like it was goodbye at the time. But I did not get to say goodbye to Shelby Jean. In fact the last thing I did was kiss her on Sunday and say "See you Friday," because her daddy was still making me think that we were going to be OK at that point. And how many Fridays have gone by since then? Two? And no Laurie anywhere to be found?

I just want her to know this wasn't my idea. And maybe having mommy and daddy back together will be good for her. She probably needs to get used to the idea. But, dammit, I think I deserve to say goodbye to my princess and spoil her at the fair just one last time.

And maybe I am more upset right now that I don't have Shelby in my life than I am Chris. Maybe I should be. Shelby has never done anything but love me from the moment she first met me in Toys R Us on that cold December night. Chris is being a jack ass right now.

This situation sucks. But no one else is me. And I know it's going to hurt in the long run, but I have to say goodbye to that little girl. Because if I really do never get to see her again, it will haunt me until the day I die if I never got to hold her one more time. And right now, I'm not putting anything past her daddy and mommy.

I just don't want to hear it anymore. So, I just won't talk about it anymore. I'm sick of the commentary. I'm just going to curl up in a little reclusive ball and grieve by myself for a while. Of course, that's usually when I call Chris and whine about how he's ruining my life.

But I won't do it this time. I am still pretty upset with him. And frankly, I think we all know whose life he's ruining, and it's really not mine.

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