Does anybody read these?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Hermit crab?

I have decided to take a break for a while. I would really like to just become a hermit and not interact with anyone, but I don't think my friends will go for that. And I am truly blessed to have some wonderful friends.

But, as for dating, I am done with that. You all know I wasn't looking for Chris when I found him, and I just don't have the energy to subject myself to the rejection anymore. This whole crazy journey started last year when someone sent me vacation photos that had a lady's handbag on the bed in his room. And since that boyfriend wasn't a crossdresser, I figured that the reason he was so hush-hush about going on vacation was because he went with another woman. Especially because he went to the Islands, and I may not know much in life, but I know plenty about St. John, St. Thomas and the BVIs.

So, I was pretty downtrodden because I realized I was just his plan B, and I set out on a journey to become someone's plan A. Unfortunately, that hasn't gone very well. I was obviously not Chris' plan A, because the minute Lisa came back in the picture he left me faster than you could say "reconciliation agreement." Not to mention that he's become mean and nasty and has treated me like shit so that he could feel better about his decision. Oh well, I guess I just didn't see what kind of person he was, but now I do. I hope that when the po-po haul him in, they put him UNDER the jail. But I still pray for him everyday, because everyone deserves to have love in their lives, and maybe someday he will have it again.

Let's see...what happened next? I had a torrid, four-day affair with a college student who dumped me because his dad said I was too old. That's OK, that wasn't ever going to be anything more than it was -- a random hook-up -- and frankly, he filled a specific need at a specific time in my life, as I'm beginning to suspect everyone does.

I went on a few more dates, kissed a few more toads (proverbily). There was needy guy who finally stopped calling because I wouldn't make a commitment to him before I'd ever even met him. Seriously, if you're that lonely go to the Humane Society and get a dog. Then there was the health nut (who didn't look like a health nut in the pictures he'd sent), whose eyes actually got sad when he saw me for the first time. But, among all the toads, there was one person who had shown some promise.

He was funny, clever and I enjoyed spending time with him. We spent an entire Sunday curled up on the couch watching football, which was so much more fun than spending Sunday hanging out at the trailer court, trying to score some herbal refreshment. He was on the right side of the law, which was quite refreshing (see last sentence). And, once we were done watching football, I sent him home to go to Church instead of dragging him up to my bedroom.

Because I really liked him, and didn't want to screw it up, so I sent him home. The way I looked at it, he was worth letting the wall down for so I figured we'd have plenty of nights cuddled up in my room.

Or so I thought. Now I am back to sleeping in the middle of the bed. But, you know what? I kind of like it.

I need to work on me for a while. I need to just be by myself and listen to the silence. I have a book to write. I have a bedroom closet to clean and laundry to do. I have a whole bunch of people coming to my house for Christmas. Lots to do.

I don't know if the wall will ever come down. I am content by myself. Every time I try to date, I remember why I hate dating in the first place. It took me 32 years to get to the point where I realized that I am a great person and have a lot to offer, and it's a person's loss if they don't realize that. But dating just pings at your self-esteem. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes me feel like a fuck up, even though I know I'm not. It's not that I need to get my value from other people, it's just that other people are so fucking cruel sometimes.

Maybe I should just get a dog...

Song of the day: "Are The Good Times Really Over?" by Merle Haggard

0 comment(s):

Post a comment

<< Home