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Thursday, June 07, 2012

Men with boobs, Santa Claus and other naked people

Today my online dating site told me I had a secret admirer. When someone is interested in you, they tell you this and then give you about a dozen choices to pick from and see if you match the person who liked you.
On the not-so-rare occasions that all your choices are either foreign guys looking for green card brides and/or creepers straight from an episode of Law & order SVU, you can hit skip, and it's game over.

I skipped today. All of the guys were from Tennessee (progress!), but about one-fourth of them looked like Santa Claus. And one of the Kris Kringles appeared to be naked. Unfortunately I did not wake up having visions of casual sex with someone's grandpa, so I took a pass.

But naked Santa reminded me about an important online dating issue: inappropriate profile pics. I already told you about redneck Cee-lo, and while he has been the worst, I wish he was alone.

Oh no. Far from it.

I cannot tell you how many sets of man boobs I have seen, although the pics that have other women or use a pimped out house trailer as a backdrop are equally frightening. And if you try to be friendly you might get unsolicited photos of Vienna sausages and button mushrooms.

Seriously, why do the single girls get to have all the fun?!

And some of the single girls are having way more fun than I am. I know this because their profile pics make Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman look like Mother Teresa. Silly me, I wore clothes.

The other day there was a gal on the dating site complaining guys only wanted casual sex. At first I felt her pain and then I looked more closely at her profile picture. She is wearing a tank top with one side pulled down and a boob hanging out. Since she didn't appear to have gone to Tara Reid's plastic surgeon, I am guessing she knew her breast was flopping in the wind.

Basically, all the men replied and said "Why don't you try a new profile picture if you're not here for sex, because yours kind of says that you are." Men are simple creatures. They are not like onions with many layers. If you appeal to their most basic senses, they are going to notice. And besides, there's a reason that Kroger's puts the corn on the cob near the front door on Memorial Day weekend. It's all about suggestive selling, baby.

She still didn't understand that if her goods are on display, people will want to take them for a spin around the block. In fact, other women took to her defense as well. "She can wear whatever she wants;" "It's no worse than the beach." I, on the other hand, was mortified, and I'm pretty sure if a uterus can cry, mine cried a little that day. But, tank tops remain very popular with the ladies. Chicken cutlets on display everywhere.

All these food references might make you hungry if they didn't want to make you want to barf.

People say online dating is better than meeting people in bars. I am not so sure. It might be better than that one bar that every town has. You know which one. The place where a trip to the dance floor requires a morning after pill, and a ladies room visit calls for penicillin.

Yeah totally better than that place. Not that I ever "dated" anyone there anyhow.

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