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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Clarity

Clarity and inspiration
Happiness is a destination, that's hard to find
It may take some time
In my mind there's something more
And I'll open up a brand new door
And find the strength to close the ones I left behind
-- from "The Road and The Radio" by Kenny Chesney


Last week, I told you about my "voodoo candles." This morning, I lit my candle and said my prayer for the last time this week. After that, I was supposed to wait two days to see if God gave me an answer to my prayer or at least put me closer to a solution.

He did.

You see, I prayed for clarity. And I got it. A big fucking dose of it.

All the answers I never wanted, all in one place.

I had to close a door tonight. Close it and lock it. I don't ever do that. There are people that I dislike, that were extremely shitty friends, and if they extended the olive branch right now I would take it. My biggest regret in the last few months was how I treated Cindy when she did tried to touch base with me, even though it was not something that I did flippantly. I agonized over what the right decision was, and ultimately I shot from the hip because I was hurt. Because someone I loved like my mother, and actually treated better than my mother for a period of my life, said things about me that were awful. I reacted by trying to hurt her as much as I'd been hurt.

The door is not locked -- it is not even closed -- for many people. But tonight, I think I locked it. And I locked it on someone that I loved, at least as a friend, if not more.

And that fucking sucks. I'm not sure I would wish clarity on my worst enemy.

I was going to post all the gory details, but I don't really want to.

I just wish I knew why and when I ceased being "worth it." However, I think the answer might be simpler than I think. I suspect, looking back, that I meant a lot less to him than he let on. I'm beginning to think that perhaps he kept me entertained while he was here so I wouldn't quit and leave him in a lurch at work. He made himself irresistible not because he wanted me to love him, but because he didn't want me to quit my job. I'm sure he prayed every night that I wouldn't get the idea to quit so that he and I could be together.

He told me once after he left that if I'd have quit, he would've taken it personally and seen it as me quitting him.

Yet, when he decides to quit me, I just have to sit by and take it.

Oh yeah, because life isn't fair.

Sometimes people are sent to our lives for a specific purpose, for a specific period of time. They serve that purpose and they move on.

I'm guessing that's what's happened here.

One of my friends chastised me for investing so much emotionally in a guy. It wasn't about a relationship. I'll admit, I really wanted to have sex with him, but I can have sex without being emotionally invested. That's not really an issue for me. I was emotionally invested because in a short amount of time we grew very close and he was one of my dearest friends. I was emotionally invested in him just like I'm emotionally invested in the friend who said that to me. For better or worse, I give my friends a lot of love, and sometimes I get burned by that.

I just need to go to sleep. I don't even think I make sense, which is ironic because this post is called "Clarity."

All you need to know is that I prayed for clarity and I got it. And even though I've spent 3 hours traipsing back and forth trying to make sense of the last five months of my life (holy fuck! five months!) I'm not going to go into it here. Some things are just not for everyone.

I still wonder if I'll ever be worth it. I'm not particularly hopeful after this experience. To be so close, yet still so far away. I'm not sure I've ever felt like I did this time around. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see how he looked at me or think about things that he said that made me laugh.

And that's both a blessing and a curse.

Just like clarity.

Today's song: "Why They Call It Falling" by Lee Ann Womack.

I get to go to Dr. Martin's office in about 6 hours. I'm sure that'll go great. My stress is very manageable right now. Sure. Oh well, at least I'll have something else to bitch about tomorrow.

2 comment(s):

It's funny that you mention "Why they call it fallin'". I've had that song in my head for the last few weeks and I finally heard it on the radio last night before I fell asleep. I don't know why it entered my head but I'm sure that will be a 'clarity' moment for me sometime soon... I can't help but think of the song "Clarity" by Mr Mayer after reading this post (or it's twin brother "Gravity"). Just alil Kay insight.

By this time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't because it can't

It just can't
It's not supposed to

By Anonymous miss kay, at 3/15/2007 1:17 AM  

I'm off to iTunes to check this Mayer fellow out.

One more song in my collection won't hurt me. He's OK in small doses.

By Blogger Laura, at 3/15/2007 8:52 AM  

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