Does anybody read these?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Nothing left to say...

A card has been sent reminding someone they are loved.

An invitation to Saturday's cook-out has been extended.

And, with that, I'm done.

I can't spend my whole life mourning over the loss of a friend, wondering if she'll come back or begging her not to hate me. I have to just go on with life. She knows there is a place for her if she wants it.

There are a lot of things that I could say here, but I really don't like to air my dirty laundry in public. Even when others are running around "rallying the troops" against me, I don't try to defend myself, just in case I might hurt someone I care about in the process.

I've hurt a lot, but I owe it to myself to realize that sometimes things change, and that's just how it is. I just hope that when it all comes down to it, she realizes that I loved her and would've done anything for her, if she'd just given me the chance.

It's absolutely amazing that my life went from pretty damn close to perfect to complete and total shit in just 24 hours. I've almost got myself convinced that some people don't deserve happiness.

All of this reminds me of the conversation I had with my married ex-boyfriend, the night he came clean and told me that he wasn't quite divorced yet.

He told me all these awful things his wife had done. Now, I know that every "practically divorced" guy has stories about how awful his wife is. Otherwise, you'd tell him to go home and not date him.

When he was done, I asked him: "So, do you still want to be married?"

And he replied, "No, but I don't want to be divorced."

I get it now. Nobody wants someone else to give up on them. It sucks. It really hurts that someone you loved, would do anything for, would just give up on you.

That they could give up on you really.

I'm done, because I have to be. This has to be the last day that I worry about this. If by some miracle she reads her mail or shows up on Saturday, then maybe I'll reconsider. But at this point in my life, I have to make my peace with the fact that somebody gave up on me.

Right now, I wish that I were a shittier friend and didn't have unconditional love for those I care about, because then maybe I could really give up on her too.

Song of the day: "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts.

3 comment(s):

Very well said; a little surprised at the song though because I know how much you love Rascal Flatts. Chin up...

By Blogger rosalie, at 3/27/2008 10:13 AM  

Too bad you live so far away. I would drive over, give you a big hug then take you out for lunch.

By Blogger Daisy, at 3/27/2008 11:20 AM  

You posted Rascal Flatts as your song of the day. I am so proud of you!!

By Anonymous Gretchen, at 4/29/2008 8:54 PM  

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