Does anybody read these?

Friday, May 09, 2008

Learning to live again

Does anyone remember that Garth Brooks song?

But I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me ...

I don't know how to date. I don't. I don't get it. My only significant relationship in my life was with a gay man. And while we had lots of fun "dates," the dynamic was significantly different. (Hell, now that I think about it, he is STILL responsible for most of my dates. Ha.)

I got asked out on a date this week. It's a guy I don't really know, who would like to get to know me better. Of course, Negative Nelly thinks that he doesn't really want to get to know me, so she really wants to keep it casual.

But the rest of me does too. I'm assuming that my very silent phone means that I am available to date, but I don't know that I want to. Obviously, things with Will went horribly wrong, although I don't know that you could call what we did dating. I think it was all the thrill of the chase, and once he got what he want there was no point. I notice that a lot in dating, so I hope this guy realizes that if I like him it will be a very long time before he gets the goodies.

Poor Married Guy never got them, because his wife came back. But that's probably not a bad thing.

So, we have Will, but we never really went on date. We met at a bar, he banged my best friend, we didn't talk for eight months until I got the brilliant idea to send him a text. And then we sent steamy text messages for months, I spent a weekend at his house, and he turned into an asshole. See, no date.

Somewhere along the way I kinda-sorta had a date and the guy told me he liked me and there were glimmers of a relationship, which abruptly ended a couple weeks later with the suggestion of a threesome with one of my friends. Where did anyone get the idea that I would go for that, really? I'm not even good at twosomes. Obviously.

I've had a few dates with Carter, if you want to call them that. Carter would not call them that, although he did call Will an idiot for canceling on our romantic weekend that I had planned. I knew I kept him around for some reason.

I don't know that I want to date. I'm not particularly sold on relationships. I'm old. I'm set in my ways. I'm not supposed to have kids. It's going to take someone very special to change all of that (except the old part, unless he's like 70 or something). I just don't know that person exists, and I don't have the energy to play the game. Really, maybe, if you blow my socks off, I might give you a chance. But I don't want to be in a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship, especially one where I don't feel loved. What's the fucking point?

We'll see. As much as I don't want to be alone, I'm so sick of men and their bullshit. Especially this week. I'm sick of being strung along and treated like shit. Every fucking time I think it will be different, and every fucking time it is not. Why? Because it involves a Y chromosome.

I'm going to stop hating men now and go to the gym. At least I don't hate myself today. Such progress. I had originally planned to do water walking, but I'm thinking that I will be working all these frustrations out with my friend Mr. Treadmill.

1 comment(s):

I am right there with you. I know that things are never going to get any better but for some reason I just keep punishing myself. I would love for him to prove me wrong but I don't think it will happen unfortunately.

By Blogger rosalie, at 5/09/2008 5:35 PM  

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