Does anybody read these?

Monday, May 05, 2008


A week ago, I was planning a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. I was really excited about it.

Yesterday, I was telling him just to leave me alone via text message.

Not because of anything he did, but because I am just not equipped to have a relationship. I don't think I'm pretty enough. I don't think I'm thin enough. I just didn't think I deserved him, and I wanted him to go find someone who did.

And then I cried. I cried so much that I drove my car off the road into some rocks, and it's pretty jacked up, although I don't know quite how much.

I went home and cried myself to sleep. In the big chair in the living room because I hate waking up in my bed alone.

I'm guessing I'll be sleeping in that chair for a while, because I don't see myself not waking up alone anytime soon.

Things hadn't been right for a while. I've felt like I was bothering him. Even with this trip, he said he wanted to go but then when I asked him about it, he blew me off. I have to come to realize that some people are only in your life for a specific time, place or reason, and he might be one of them.

I can't stop crying. I'll miss him so much. I just can't bear the thought of never talking to him again as long as I live. I should've gone about it differently. I just wanted to see him this weekend so we could reconnect because the distance has been killing me anyhow. When I thought it wasn't going to happen, I just couldn't deal anymore. There's also some history that I can't bear to share, but I just figured I was doing him a favor to tell him that I loved him but he didn't have to be with me if he didn't want to. Well hell, who would want to be with someone who said that? Really?

It was the first time I'd put my heart out there in seven years, and now I'm remembering why I don't do that. I'm not sure I will again. In seven more years, I'll be old and washed up anyhow.

I was just a crazy bitch. I can't get past my own hang-ups to let someone love me. But I don't want to be alone, so I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Song of the day: "Don't Make Me" by Blake Shelton.

4 comment(s):

You are a smart lady you have to know you will figure out how to balance it all.

By Blogger rosalie, at 5/05/2008 8:45 AM  

I don't feel smart at all, but I do appreciate the votes of confidence. I don't want to balance anything. I just want to sleep. Maybe cry. Eat some ice cream. Except not really because I can't eat. Just cry. Until I cry myself to sleep. Then I wake up and repeat.

By Blogger Laura, at 5/05/2008 8:53 AM  

I wish that I was there, not that I would probably be much help.

By Blogger rosalie, at 5/05/2008 10:08 PM  

I feel terrible for you. I really hope it will all be a bit better soon. Charlene

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5/07/2008 11:35 PM  

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