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Monday, May 19, 2008

The funk.

I'm grateful that it really does get easier everyday.

Yes, my life hit a bit of a spin cycle recently. I had a friend decide she hated me over a guy who seems to have moved on to bigger and better things. It was rough here for a while.

But I don't think I'm depressed. For the most part, my life is not bad. That friend and I are going to try to go out to supper tomorrow for my birthday. I don't know what's going to happen, but I wasn't the one who picked the fight. I did learn a lot of things I probably would've been better off not knowing about our friendship, but I'm not one to walk away from people.

That's definitely one of my vices.

I really honestly wish that I thought I could go to the doctor and she'd really have a pill that would improve my feelings lately.

But if there were a pill that cured falling in love with someone and then having your heart ripped out, I think the inventor would be a gajillionaire.

It gets easier everyday. I don't suspect that I'll ever completely not feel like a chump over the events of the past few months, but if bad relationships didn't hurt, we'd keep getting into them.

I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone enough to let the walls down again, but maybe there's someone really special out there and he and I will have our paths cross.

I'm just old, cynical and jaded. And why shouldn't I be?

I haven't told anyone all of it. Not all of it. It's too hard. But it's just mistake after mistake after mistake to the point that my trust mechanism is beyond jacked up. It's never going to be easy for me to trust a friend, share a secret or climb into bed with a man ever again, and maybe that's not a terrible thing.

We've already determined that people treat me like shit because I have created an environment where they think that it's OK.

No one deserves that. So until further notice, the walls are back up. I'll be fine, I promise. I'm already doing better.

There's no song of the day. The only song I've listened to all day is "Johnny & June" by Heidi Newfield, and it's not fair to spoil all the warm and fuzzy feelings about love with my commentary. It'd be nice to have that, but I suspect it was unique to Johnny and June.

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