Does anybody read these?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I can't.

I can't anymore.

True, maybe I don't really know what love is. The only other person I've ever been in love with was a gay man.

But in both cases there were butterflies in my stomach, late-night phone calls, holding my hand when we walked down busy streets. There was cuddling up on the couch watching TV and falling asleep with my head on his chest and waking up to him snoring, feeling like I was in the safest place in the world.

The butterflies are gone. Everything good is gone. I don't feel safe anymore.

All I've got now is tears, and I feel like I'm not worth anything and that I made a big mistake.

I can't tell anyone this because I'd get the whole "I can't believe you're trying to end this" lecture, and I can't hear that one more time either.

I have given all I have to give. I don't know where another tear would come from. Every last ounce of effort I have put in has not been enough, quite simply because relationships are partnerships, and I don't really have a partner. I can't give 99.5 percent and be satisfied with .5 percent in return.

I just can't.

I don't know what happened. It doesn't matter. It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything but love. Probably way too much, but no one's ever been faulted for that.

Remember the story about the friends I walked away from because there was no point in fighting with them? Remember the friend that I let walk away simply because I loved her too much to hurt her by telling her what she'd done wrong?

Yeah, I've just got to go.

Someday maybe there will be someone I trust enough to give my whole heart to. Maybe there won't. One day I'll stop hurting and it will be OK, but the roller coaster has got to end.

I don't feel loved anymore. I feel used. And even in my limited experience with love, I know that's not how it's supposed to be.

It's just over, whether he knows it and/or accepts it or not. I have to stop doing this to myself, because that's all I'm doing is letting myself get hurt over and over again.

I know I'm supposed to be trying to be positive, and that's gone horribly wrong.

I guess I'm grateful that I've realized that and I'm going to try to get back on the right track.

I'll never forget how excited he was when I came to visit him. I'll never forget how sweet he was the weekend I met him. I'll never even forget last week when he called me and he told me he loved me. But none of that can make up for cancelling plans and acting like I'm a nuisance. I shouldn't be a nuisance; I should be as much of a priority in his life as he's been in mine.

I should be, but I don't think I am. And this isn't me sabotaging my relationships. I'm not the saboteur here. Not at all.

Song of the day: "Why They Call it Falling" by Lee Ann Womack.

1 comment(s):

I won't try to tell you that things are what they appear because I am not part of the relationship. You and him are the only two that truly know what is going on and you did quote that song, "A Woman Knows". Best of luck with whatever you decide. You know you have friends to support you.

By Blogger rosalie, at 5/27/2008 9:17 PM  

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