Does anybody read these?

Lesson learned?

OK, I should've learned by now that running my big mouth gets me in trouble every time. So this is all I'm saying about this topic for quite a while. I need to go back to not dealing with/worrying about/obsessing over it.

I have said my part. I went back and re-read some of what I wrote here, and I was never an asshole or malicious. I just said that if someone had decided not to love me and be my friend anymore then I had to respect that and move on. I never stopped loving anyone; and believe me, it never stopped hurting.

It hurt me more than anyone can imagine. I made myself physically sick over this. To the point that my life has to change dramatically to deal with my health problems. Now, that is something that probably needed to happen all along, but it scares me that I could be so stressed out about one person not wanting to be my friend that I could get my blood pressure to dangerously high levels. Seriously, I've been a walking time bomb for the past month.

I don't know how I was supposed to think that our friendship hadn't ended. I said that to her yesterday: "How was I supposed to know that you didn't hate me when you wouldn't return my messages or even acknowledge that I was alive?"

She replied to that and said she didn't know what to think.

I told her to take her time and that from now on I would assume we were friends until she told me point-blank to move on. However, I thought that by saying, "I'm done" and our friendship was "gone," that she'd done that before. We talked more yesterday via text and e-mail than we probably have in the last few months. In some ways, that is good; in some ways, it makes me very sad.

Friendships evolve, and I know that part of the reason we've been so close in the year that she's lived here is because she didn't have anyone else to hang out with. It's OK that she does now. I don't need to be #1 in anyone's life except my own; but I don't want to not be in her life. I was talking to Cindy this morning about how friendships change. God knows, ours has. I think a break was (is?) good, and I hope that soon enough we can get back to late-night chats and Margaritas and Senioritas Mondays (or whatever day it happens to be). I like the fun stuff, but I know she has other people she can rely on now. I do, too. I also know that our friendship was going to change anyhow once she didn't live so close, so I guess this prepared me for it. assuming there is a friendship.

We've both been hurt over the past few months. The last month I've driven Will nuts because any time I go more than 20 minutes without a text message from him, I think about her telling me that I was fooling myself if I thought he loved me. I just know he makes me happy, and even though it probably wasn't my best decision in the world, I think I deserve some happiness in my life. It's been a long time coming, and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Of course, I have to laugh when I think about Michael (my Michael, not the one who buys me whiskey and tries to sleep with me) saying, "So, tell me about this new boyfriend. Is he straight?"

I threw a tortilla chip at him, if you were wondering.

My whole point of all my ranting over the past month (aside from getting it out of my system before I had a stroke), was that sometimes we accidentally (or maybe even on purpose) hurt someone we care about. It's happened to all of us. But a good friendship can survive it. I'm not saying that the friendship doesn't come out with nicks and bruises, but it comes out. Things pick up where they left off. One of my friends said yesterday when I was fussing over all this once again: "If you're friends, you'll both say you were hurt, aplogize and then move on like nothing happened."

I am truly sorry for everything I've done or said that hurt her. I know that she's truly sorry for everything she's done and said to hurt me. Now it's just time to start healing, right?

Regardless, the ball's in her court. I hope that I'm worth it to her. I just know I can't worry about it because I need to stay healthy. People tell me that I'd be missed if I were dead, so I have to keep my blood pressure down.

posted by Laura at 8:33 AM