Does anybody read these?

Better?

I'm feeling a little better today, but I don't know when I'll be 100 percent again. I'm hoping maybe I can improve my disposition by my party, but we'll see.

I don't know what's going on with Chris. He was upset yesterday, which was not my doing, and he didn't take it out on me, but he did push me away. He was supposed to be coming home from his friend's house, and he was supposed to come over after I got off work. Well, he tells me he's not coming. I ask him why and he goes on this whole big thing about how my neighbors hate him and he's not wanted there anymore, and he's not staying there, which is only partly true.

My neighbors are gossips. Everyone's neighbors are gossips. I don't have the time to be in other people's business, but apparently they do. So, they've all been telling Jane how Chris lives with me. So Jane asked me about it. She wasn't mad; she just wanted to know what was going on, and I gladly explained to her that he doesn't live with me, but I do like spending time with him and he's been helping around the house while he's not working, so he's around quite a bit. I should've just talked to Jane about it and never mentioned it to Chris, but I was upset about the neighbors being in my business, so I said something. And now he can't drop it, and he's using it as an excuse to not spend time with me.

I love him, and I'll be upset if things don't work out with us, but at the same time I don't deal well with drama. In fact, when I was coming up with a list of career options, my brother pooh-poohed nursing because I just can't deal with those kinds of situations. Hell, it doesn't surprise me. I can barely watch ER. I just know that nurses are in demand, and I lack marketable skills.

I hope everything works out, but right now he's being pissy and I'm sad about that. He can come home, because Jane said everything was fine.

But part of me wonders if he doesn't want to. Part of me thinks he's pushing me away for some other reason. I don't know what it is, but I do know one thing: I don't beg people to have relationships with me. I don't beg people who are mad at me to still be my friends. I don't beg boyfriends to give me another chance. I just don't beg.

I'm still pretty pissed about not getting to go to Florida. I'm still not sure what I'll do. I guess I have a week to figure it out. I could really use a beach, but I don't want to go bankrupt. And if I'm on my own, there's no way I can drive down there by myself, and it's way too expensive to get a plane ticket now.

Maybe everything will work itself out. I'm trying to be positive and not so doom and gloom, but it's just not working very well. I've always been the type to expect the absolute worst and then be pleasantly surprised if everything isn't super shitty.

posted by Laura at 1:21 PM