Does anybody read these?

Quick update

Since I last wrote, it has hit the fan. I don't want to talk about it too long, because I can't keep dredging it up. I am still prone to crying outbursts and spontaneous vomiting.

Chris keeps telling me that he loves me and it's going to be OK, but things are getting too crazy with him and his ex-wife. On Wednesday he told me that they had gone to marriage counseling that evening.

And that set me off.

I don't blame him for wanting to make sure that the relationship is done because of Shelby. I have told him to "get it out of his system." But really, I'm feeling a little hopeless when the love of my life tells me he's going to counseling with someone else.

Not to mention that I have not been a priority since Lisa came around. He has been cancelling our plans to spend time with her, I worry all the time about what's happening.

He and I had a big argument. I called Lisa and confronted her. She is the most amoral, unrepetant and unconscionable human being I have ever interacted with. She accepts no responsiblity for her actions in the past. I really worry about Chris and Shelby if he chooses to go back to her, because nothing has changed and nothing will change. This is about Lisa sitting in the corner and throwing a temper tantrum until she gets her way, and nothing more.

But, Chris is 32 years old, and I have to let him make his own mistakes. I am not his mother, and I am not here to "fix" him. All I can do is love him and pray that will be enough.

We both said some awful, hurtful things, but after having a heart-to-heart with his mom, I realized that I have to trust him and trust God to do the right thing. I am giving him space so he can get his life in order without worrying about my opinion. It is not my place to give it right now, because I am hardly objective.

I sent him an e-mail. I told him I loved him, and I wasn't giving up on him or us. I told him I treasured his love and friendship and hoped that I would be part of his life forever. Then, I told him he needed his space and I felt like I was a burden. That he could contact me anytime he wanted, but I didn't want to subject him to my commentary on the situation. I just don't want to fight with him. And, I hope he misses me just a little. But I know him well enough to know that it was important that he didn't think I was giving up on him, because he doesn't need anyone to give up on him.

I don't know what is going to happen. His mother says that he has not made any type of decision, and that she is going to do her best to convince him that I am the right choice for him and Shelby. He has blinders on and he's just remembering the good parts of his relationship with Lisa. He needs to remember the four months he didn't get to see Shelby except for that time Lisa's brother-in-law beat the shit out of him and then she had Chris and his dad arrested. He needs to remember the $10,000 in legal bills and how his parents almost lost their house and had to sell practically everything they own to pay them.

And he needs to remember that there is a woman who loves him and his daughter more than anything waiting for him. One who doesn't bitch about doing his laundry or changing Shelby's diapers. She does it because she loves him, and she can't imagine her life without them.

Keep praying for all of us. I'll try not to worry so much.

posted by Laura at 9:06 AM