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Friday, August 28, 2009

Today I realized, without a doubt, that Chris loves me.

Unfortunately, I realized this because he was replying to the e-mail I sent him about giving him space.

His reply was: "I got your e-mail. Thank you and I'm sorry."

Of course, I asked him if "I'm sorry" meant "Have a good life."

He told me no, that he wasn't sure what it meant except that he hated that I was hurting.

I asked him if he had to leave me to please make sure I got to say goodbye to him and Shelby, and he told me they weren't going anywhere and not to talk like that.

I am trying to have faith. I am hoping and praying that he will see the light. I am hoping and praying that for the first time in his life, Christopher Staggs will put his low self-esteem aside and realize that he can have real love.

I know everyone dogs him and says that he shouldn't have to choose if he loves me. Hell, I told him that in our little fight Wednesday night. But, I see where he's coming from. I think he is wrong about Lisa, because after having a significant phone coversation with her, I realize that she is incapable of having a meaningful relationship because she doesn't understand how love works. However, I cannot fault him for wanting to make sure that he has gone down every road and explored every nook and cranny in regards to his daughter's well-being.

And, really, I keep telling him that if he needs to get Lisa out of his system, he needs to get Lisa out of his system. I'd rather he figure it all out now instead of later. And, of course, I hope he gets a glimmer of his past life and moves on like he has been saying he wanted to. But if he walks away, well I know that he will be much more worse off than I will be.

After all, there's nothing left to sell for the next round of legal bills. OK, that was mean.

I just didn't want him to hate me. I want him to always remember as the person who loved him more than he even realized was possible. I want to keep loving him until I'm positive that it's time to stop. And even then, I will always have a special place in my heart for this man and his beautiful little daughter who have inspired me to do things that I never even imagined (hello? toddler beauty pageants!).

If something happens and it doesn't work out, I don't begrudge his relationship with Lisa. In fact, I will pray for them everyday that it works out. Because I love him and Shelby so much that I want them to be happy, and being in a toxic environment doesn't make anyone happy.

I tried to explain to Lisa the other day that when you love someone you can't be selfish and you have to let them spread their own wings and either fly or fall. Since she does not love them enough to tell them it's OK to go, then I will be the one to do it if I have to.

I am just going to love him unconditionally, just like I always have, and maybe that'll be enough. But, I know that we had a happy home filled with love for eight wonderful months, if nothing else.

And, if he somehow comes back, there'll be a lot of healing and tears before we get back to where we were. But at least then I'll know he's there because he wants to be there.

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