Does anybody read these?

Monday, February 04, 2008

Is it really...

... a huge stretch to think that perhaps someone might want to date me? Or maybe have a little sex with me?

I used to have a friend Shirley, who lovingly described me as "healthy, but not humongous." (You had to know Shirley to know that she really did say it with love.)

I'm not ever going to be a size two. And as much as I'm my own worst critic, I'm not disgusting. I have a lot of things about me that people find quite nice.

I'm working on my weight. I've already lost 12 pounds, and I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I have been eating healthy, and I'm trying to work out everyday.

I'm trying to work on my self-esteem too. But it's hard when you suspect that your friends don't even think that you're attractive enough for someone to be interested in you. But you know what, I'm doing just fine, thanks.

Working in Toyland, I see people less attractive and/or larger than me everyday who either have a baby or are pregnant. That means they got to have sex. And I figure if people who are uglier and fatter than me have sex, then really I shouldn't worry so much about people seeing me naked.

Because I'm pretty sure if they didn't want to see me naked, they wouldn't ask. And it's up to me to decide whether or not I want to show them.

I'm just so fucking damaged. You all know that. It's taken me a long time to get where I am right now. I don't need anyone else to pile on. It gets so old not believing someone could love me because of all the things others have said and I have thought. I can't even imagine what it must be like to try to love me with all this baggage. I'm trying really hard to just be what I am and not question it. It helps to find out the one person that I never really thought loved me really does love me. He loves me a lot. He just doesn't want to sleep with me. (But still, there are boys who do! Honest.)

3 comment(s):

Lj, sometimes you just have to break down and give yourself a hug. Twelve pounds is nothing to sneeze about, it is a huge accomplishment and no matter what the others might think, I am 100% proud of you.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/05/2008 9:27 PM  

You are beautiful - inside & out.
Sometimes it's hard to find that one person that will truly appreciate us for who we really are.

As for those "fatter and uglier" people, maybe they have lower standards than you.

Chin up and good work on the healthy changes!
C

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/08/2008 12:12 AM  

Love You LJ! Always have alwasy will! You are beautiful from the inside out!

Gretchen XOXOXOXOXO

By OpenID tikibargirly, at 2/08/2008 7:20 PM  

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