Does anybody read these?

What everyone needs to know

I'm messy. The back seat of my car is filled with shit. I'll leave clothes on your floor. And, for the love of God, don't look in my closet.


I have gray hair, laugh lines and saggy boobs. They're big, but gravity has not been kind.


I sometimes drink too much, but I'm generally very friendly when I do. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending.

I get scared. I freak out. But I find that 95 percent of the time I'm not paranoid.

I love Bill Clinton, and I'm hanging on to the dream of Hillary until the bitter end -- only because Al Gore won't listen to the post-its I leave on his mailbox.

I'm sarcastic and have a crazy sense of humor (in case you didn't get the part about Al Gore and the post-its). I will make you laugh, probably by being a huge dork, but don't count out not making it into my stand-up routine. (Of course, that's not terribly scary, as I don't actually do stand-up because I forget the bits to my routine before I can write them down.)

You might eventually make this blog. And if you hurt my feelings, I might call you an asshole.

I like to talk, but I understand if you tell me to shut up. But if I like you, I might not have much to say. I might also talk out of my ass. You just never know.

I don't really like scary movies. They're only tolerable if someone will let me cuddle. And don't make fun of my shrieking.

I'm a good cook.

I will probably cuss in front of your mama or your sister's kid. I don't mean to, it just comes out.

I work too much. I know this, but I'm looking forward to being practically debt-free by the end of the year. This also means I probably don't have any money to lend you.

I love flowers. Daisies and yellow roses. Especially on my birthday. It's in 12 days, if you were wondering.

I try to go to church every Sunday, and my Catholic faith is important to me. I'm not changing my mind about that. If I'm blessed with kids, they'll be Catholic too.

I know I'm fat, but I'm working on it. I've been going to the gym everyday, and I know every single way you can eat a salad. I'm also an expert on Lean Cuisines. I'm hoping I'll lose 50 pounds by the end of the year.

I love Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Ben Stiller and anyone else who can make me laugh.

I've had a huge crush on Marky Mark Wahlberg since I was in 10th grade, and I am peeing my pants with excitement over the New Kids on the Block reunion this year. (Has anyone seen my giant button?)

I love chocolate, although the closest I come to it right now is a fat-free pudding cup (see above).

My ideal night is making supper, cuddling up on the couch and watching movies. My ideal Saturday afternoon is a barbecue at my house.

I hate doing dishes and laundry, but I have to eat and no one wants to see me naked.

My biggest hero in the whole wide world is my grandma, a first-generation Polish-American who died because she was afraid of doctors. The only day she ever missed church was the day she died. She loved me because I was the first grandkid (out of 40+) to go to Catholic school. Of course, long after she died, my daddy told me to stop repeating that because Kay and Donna went to St. Bernard's with him. But still, she sent me saint medals in the mail and shared her Planters Cheese Balls with me. She died when I was in first grade, and it wasn't until junior high when my Immaculate Heart of Mary medal fell off. She gave it to me because the IHM nuns taught me in grade school and high school.

In some ways, I am very much the typical Catholic school girl, but I'm not putting out on the first date anymore. So don't even ask.

I love country music. Real country music (but some of the new stuff, too). If you don't know who Merle Haggard is, please figure it out before trying to talk to me about music. Otherwise, I'll have my friend Bobby kick your ass. Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Keith Whitley and Kris Kristofferson are musical geniuses. Nothing in the world that anyone who performs now will ever out-do a Garth Brooks show, and I could listen to Brad Paisley play guitar all day long.

My favorite places in the world are: Cinnamon Bay, St. John, U.S. Virgin Islands; Navy Pier, Chicago; and the Crypt Cafe at St. Martin in the Fields in London.

I grew up in a horse-racing family, and I might try to drag you along to watch my dad, my cousin or my brother race their horses. I watch the Kentucky Derby on TV, and every year I say that I just might go to Louisville to watch it, but haven't yet.

My sister-in-law is from Mexico. She is a U.S. citizen now, but she used to be illegal, so if you are racist or have crazy right-wing immigration views, we are probably not going to get along.

My best friend in the whole world is my gay ex-boyfriend. So, if you don't like gay people, then we could have issues. If you think people choose to be gay, I will hit you because I know it's not true. Or at least it hurts my feelings when people say it out loud.

I just don't like haters. I am pretty accepting of all people, as long as they are nice.

I went to Ohio University. It's in Athens, Ohio, and there are 20,000 students. Our colors are green and white, and our mascot is the Bobcat. If you confuse it with that big, red school in Columbus, I will be offended because I am a University of Michigan fan.

I am from Michigan, by way of Ohio. Depending on what day it is, I am either a rough-and-tumble Detroiter or a hillbilly. Kid Rock would be proud.

I think I mentioned my 40+ cousins? I come from a big, loud, obnoxious, ethnic family. We can be intimidating, but we're good people and once we love you, life is grand.

I think that's enough random facts about me. Maybe someday I'll come up with a thorough owner's manual, but for right now this is as close as it gets. Maybe people don't get me. Maybe it's because deep down I'm a dork and I fall off my clog at Costco. Maybe it's something more. I don't know. I won't ever know because I'm not going to ask.

Just for a trip down memory lane, does anyone remember this post?

Maybe I'm not the problem. Maybe it's them.

Song of the day: "I've Loved Enough to Know" by Deana Carter.

posted by Laura at 1:50 PM