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Thursday, July 03, 2008


Today is a kind-of weird day. I am just wrapping up some loose ends at work and looking forward to the weekend, where I plan to do mostly nothing and I'm pretty excited about it. At first, I thought I might be social, but I do want to clean up my house a little, watch more episodes of Michelle's House DVDs (I'm already on season three) and relax. I don't really want to think about what's good in my life, or what's not good in my life. I don't want to analyze my current trail of half-assed relationships and engage in self-blame. I don't want to criticize myself and/or others. I don't want to worry about conflicts that may or may not exist. I just want to not think or worry about anything.

I'm hoping it works. I plan to sleep a lot so that should help. It just seems like everything is rolling along OK and then it gets shitty again.

I was going to go to the gym today, but instead I'm just sitting at my desk. I didn't have anything for my lunch this morning, and it wasn't my day to drive in the car pool, so I'll probably be starving by 5 p.m. I didn't think it was wise to go to the gym because I know that working out will make me hungrier.

I am trying to get a little more organized at work. I can't believe that all this clutter helps me at all.

I am just rambling. I have a lot going on, and I just don't want to say anything, but I want to talk -- does that make sense. You see, that is why I am a writer. When I talk, it's just harder for me to get out what I want to say. Although lately, it seems like my writing doesn't really help either. It helps me. I just don't know if it helps in the grand scheme of things.

I need to stop dredging up the past. It cannot change. All I have is the future, and I want it to be great. I just need to work on that and not worry about things that cannot be undone. If I am committed to doing what is right now, then all my fuck-ups in the past should matter a little less, shouldn't they? That's the courtesy I extend to most others. I guess I can hope. I need to be hopeful these days, if for no other reason but to be sane.

Maybe it's time to develop an independence from all the bad thoughts that run through my head all the time. Maybe that'll be the point of my independence day this year. I really need to make that my goal.

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