Does anybody read these?

Since we last talked...

... life has gone horribly wrong.

Chris and I met up Tuesday night for dinner and some deep conversation. He loves me, he's still confused and he has to do what's best for Shelby. Apparently what the rest of the world thinks is best for Shelby and what Chris thinks is best for Shelby may not be the same.

But it is not my place to save him from himself. It is not my place to prevent him from making his own mistakes.

All I can do is love him, which I do. I love him more than anything in the world.

Which is why it sucked to walk away.

But I told him that I think our biggest problem is that he never worked out all his issues with Lisa before we got together, so now they are resurfacing and wreaking havoc on my life. And I have enough havoc without Lisa's drama.

He's angry at her. He doesn't trust her. He doesn't think she will change. But he still loves her.

I explained to him that we all have people we love in our lives that end up being toxic. You just have to tell them to go and stop the hurting.

Again, this is his decision, not mine. If he gets hurt again, I know it was not my fault.

After hours of talking, I told him that I loved him. I told him that he obviously needed time to get his shit in order, and I would try to hold on while he did that. I wanted to be a bitch and tell him to go fuck himself, but I don't feel that way about him. I love him, and I want him to find happiness. I just think that everyone in the world except him realizes that he had happiness with me and not her.

But if he doesn't love me as much as he loves her, then that's not fair to me. It's also pretty shitty because she is a horrible, awful person, but once again, not my problem.

I told him maybe it wasn't goodbye. Maybe it was "see you later." I kissed him and cried on his chest. And then I got in my car.

He didn't act like it was goodbye. In fact, when I asked him about Shelby's Christmas gifts he even said, "If we're somehow not together at Christmas..."

I really want to believe that he'll come home. But I don't. I just don't think his heart is with me, no matter how much I've given and no matter how much I loved.

Much like I have loved him more than he's loved me, he loves Lisa much more than she is capable of loving back, if she is capable of loving at all...

I haven't talked to him since Tuesday night. Since December, I have never gone 24 hours without talking to him, and let me tell you, it hurts like hell. I think the hardest part is that I didn't get to say goodbye to Shelby, and the fact that I know she misses me. It's my own fault for pretending she was my kid and taking care of her the way I did, but I can't change that now. In fact, I wouldn't change anything about my life with Chris and Shelby unless I could change these three shitty weeks that I've had. I love them more than anything, and I will always treasure and remember Saturday mornings with Handy Manny, all the popsicles and breakfasts, cookouts, and "play swings, Laurie." I'll even miss the damn beauty pageants.

I'm just sad. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. But I'll get better...somehow.

Sorry to whine so much lately. I am trying to move on with my life, but after nine great months, it's the hardest thing I've done in a really long time. It'll get easier, but it's going to take a while.

posted by Laura at 9:49 AM