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Friday, September 04, 2009

Since we last talked...

... life has gone horribly wrong.

Chris and I met up Tuesday night for dinner and some deep conversation. He loves me, he's still confused and he has to do what's best for Shelby. Apparently what the rest of the world thinks is best for Shelby and what Chris thinks is best for Shelby may not be the same.

But it is not my place to save him from himself. It is not my place to prevent him from making his own mistakes.

All I can do is love him, which I do. I love him more than anything in the world.

Which is why it sucked to walk away.

But I told him that I think our biggest problem is that he never worked out all his issues with Lisa before we got together, so now they are resurfacing and wreaking havoc on my life. And I have enough havoc without Lisa's drama.

He's angry at her. He doesn't trust her. He doesn't think she will change. But he still loves her.

I explained to him that we all have people we love in our lives that end up being toxic. You just have to tell them to go and stop the hurting.

Again, this is his decision, not mine. If he gets hurt again, I know it was not my fault.

After hours of talking, I told him that I loved him. I told him that he obviously needed time to get his shit in order, and I would try to hold on while he did that. I wanted to be a bitch and tell him to go fuck himself, but I don't feel that way about him. I love him, and I want him to find happiness. I just think that everyone in the world except him realizes that he had happiness with me and not her.

But if he doesn't love me as much as he loves her, then that's not fair to me. It's also pretty shitty because she is a horrible, awful person, but once again, not my problem.

I told him maybe it wasn't goodbye. Maybe it was "see you later." I kissed him and cried on his chest. And then I got in my car.

He didn't act like it was goodbye. In fact, when I asked him about Shelby's Christmas gifts he even said, "If we're somehow not together at Christmas..."

I really want to believe that he'll come home. But I don't. I just don't think his heart is with me, no matter how much I've given and no matter how much I loved.

Much like I have loved him more than he's loved me, he loves Lisa much more than she is capable of loving back, if she is capable of loving at all...

I haven't talked to him since Tuesday night. Since December, I have never gone 24 hours without talking to him, and let me tell you, it hurts like hell. I think the hardest part is that I didn't get to say goodbye to Shelby, and the fact that I know she misses me. It's my own fault for pretending she was my kid and taking care of her the way I did, but I can't change that now. In fact, I wouldn't change anything about my life with Chris and Shelby unless I could change these three shitty weeks that I've had. I love them more than anything, and I will always treasure and remember Saturday mornings with Handy Manny, all the popsicles and breakfasts, cookouts, and "play swings, Laurie." I'll even miss the damn beauty pageants.

I'm just sad. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. But I'll get better...somehow.

Sorry to whine so much lately. I am trying to move on with my life, but after nine great months, it's the hardest thing I've done in a really long time. It'll get easier, but it's going to take a while.

4 comment(s):

I say Laura he loves Lisa more or you think he does?
Could it be he loves her as she gave him Shelby?
Sometimes I have found with my male buddies who (to put it bluntly) were married to a four letter word and it begins with a C***,(their word not mine) have told me that what they have found is they loved the mother of their child but not the woman...they felt this weird obligation to stay for the child.
Does that help...NO......just a different way of looking at it.
This was just 3 guys I know who were with these horrid woman and funny they ALL live in Tenn!!

By Anonymous Rosi, at 9/04/2009 1:25 PM  

Honestly? I don't think him loving Lisa has anything to do with Shelby. I think Shelby gives him a convenient excuse to allow himself to be abused. Because she abused him for 12 years before Shelby was born.

It's not my problem. It can't be. Whatever.

By Blogger Laura, at 9/04/2009 1:51 PM  

Oh, well guess not then, did not know he was abused. I just thought she was NOT a nice person this Lisa and for some strange reason he is somewhat back with her. I guess I thought that reason was Shelby......

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9/04/2009 2:29 PM  

I think he would like to believe that this has everything to do with Shelby. God knows he says that constanly.

However, this has been going on for 15 years. Lisa loves him, Lisa wants to go off and date women, Lisa wants to come home. Lisa is on her meds, Lisa is off her meds. Lisa has Chris put in jail for no apparent reason.

If that's not abuse, I don't know what is. But as I told him, if he doesn't want better for himself, I don't know what to tell him. And if he honest to God thinks that she could be a good mother based on how she has treated her child's father, then he has more issues that I can even imagine.

He just needs prayers.

By Blogger Laura, at 9/04/2009 2:57 PM  

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